Definition and Guidelines for Piecing

[sandi2]

Most LBS really believe they are the priority in piecing, but that's not the case and shouldn't be any person's attitude when trying to strengthen a M. It's true that a WS or WAS has done a lot of damage and hurting, but they went Wayward or Walked away for a reason and those problems has to be addressed just as much as the A.

That's a very good point, JoeJoe.

Each spouse has their own separate issues to work out, plus repairing the MR. If the original problems are not addressed, there is a risk of repeating the same experience. I feel many couples are not able to piece their MR, without addressing their previous and current problems under the guidance of a professional therapist.

There's is no one script that fit piecing, but these are great guidelines that I wish I had when my W and I decided to work on our M.

Thank you. Yes, there are so many variables it's impossible to give one blueprint to fit everyone. And, as I often say, people need to keep a balanced mind when reading any guidelines.

I would flood my W with my emotions and really didn't care how it made her feel. I became so weak and unattractive after DBing. My emotions were all over the place and they were dam near uncontrollable. I had pushed so much down to DB, that after we reconciled I couldn't control all the questions and hurt I felt.

I'm sure every LBS here can understand what you are describing. I will just add that there are 2 people who are in a vulnerable place when they start piecing. I can understand how the WS may be seen as the villain.

For years I have read how the WS should answer all questions the LBS may have, and I've even said it myself. At the same time, I caution the LBS about knowing every detail of an PA. Once they have that picture in their head, or they know intimate details, it is hard to erase the image. So, think before you ask, if you really must know every little detail, or if it is better not to know. I don't mean you sweep things under the rug, but you do you really have to know which sex positions were used? Will your mind flood with those images the next time you and your spouse have sex? This is what I mean about details. That's something every individual has to decide.

I was on a roller coaster for real. And my W was too blame. That's how I felt but I was wrong. I control my actions and decisions and that took me a long time to understand. My W decided to stay in the M, because of my DBing, the key word was she "decided", and it takes a lot of courage and self reflection for a WAS or WS to even decide to come back to a place where they know they have caused so much pain. And will have to take an honest look at the person they hurt or people and deal with a lot of dumping on them.

I appreciate you saying this, b/c I find many LBS's want their WS to feel a certain way before reconciling and entering into piecing. I understand, however, the WS's feelings are in a mess! It is the decision to do the right thing that counts. It's the commitment to do the work to save the M that should determine if the couple reconciles and enters into piecing. The LBS may be on a roller coaster, but the WS is usually on a downward spiral (depending on the sitch). Th WS has to go through emotional things the LBS doesn't.....and vise versa. I don't say that as making an excuse, or giving the WS leeway. I'm just tying to explain that both spouses have a lot to process. Sometimes the LBS has processed a lot before ever reconciling, and sometimes not. Like I said, too many variables. The WS must take responsibility for what they did, and not blame the spouse for their actions. The WS may tolerate the outpouring of the LBS's emotions......to a point. However, if the LBS continues to use the WS as an emotional punching bag, the M might end before it ever pieces........depending on the WS. Here again, is why MC/family therapy is needed to guide the couple when healing from an affair.

As a LBS the attention and focus needs to be on your on healing and less on trying to fix and punish your S. The more LBS focus on their own healing the more the WS will feel open and relaxed to keep moving forward with the M.

Yes, the LBS who continues to have the need to punish, should address it with a therapist. And, it's not about sukking it up to protect the feelings of the WS. That's not what I'm saying. It's about not healing and growing as an individual and a couple as long as long as there is anger being directed toward the other spouse. Does the LBS have reason to be angry? Of course, but s/he needs to find a healthy outlet and/or get help in healing, rather than punishing the WS. The goal is to heal individually, and heal the MR.

A lot of LBS's are so focused on just getting their WS back, that they fail to deal with the emotional stages that usually come at some point. Therefore, as soon as they reconcile, the LBS begins to experience these stages.......and in some cases, they risk becoming the LBS.

Another thing that most men need to focus on is being intimate, not having sex but getting to the darkest, deepest depths of your S soul. Most women already know what intimacy really mean. Most men have a hard time understanding what it really means. My W loves it when I taste her food as soon as it comes off the stove or out the oven. She loves to tell me about her lists (she loves making list). I use to blow her list off. But she puts a lot of work into her cooking and list, so now I know that listening to her go down every item and I say yay or nay is important to her. ( She feels like I get her and have prioritized her). In turn she does the same for me. And I get some kisses and on occasion when the boys are sleep early I get some late night action.

That's a sign of real progress!

LBS will make mistakes and do things wrong while piecing, my W calls me on my Sh!t all the time, I have continued to work on and learn to accept her critiques, most of the time she is really trying to support me and help me become better. Before I would just get really defensive. Now we listen and are patient and slow in our response, not all the time, but we working on it.

That's not all. The WS will make mistakes and slip into old habits (like showing disrespect). It's up to the LBS to call her/him out. In fact, if the LBS doesn't hold the WS's feet to the fire on showing respect, things will slide backwards instead of forwards. Old behavior patterns are hard to break, but not impossible.

Peicing is a whole new relationship and beginnings and must be treated as such. Both parties have a lot of blame to fling around, but that won't help, so move forward with love, care and empathy. A M is an institution of constant learning, if ever you feel you have mastered you M, you need to reevaluate and refocus, because there's no such thing, but there is a harmonious place in love.

It's a new relationship, but with some disadvantage. It has problems the previous relationship caused. I hope that doesn't sound too pessimistic. I'm just being real, folks. Piecing is hard for a reason. Some couples may experience a honeymoon period, but eventually, you have to deal with real life.

Thanks for your post, JoeJoe. It should be very informative and encouraging for everyone.