Definition and Guidelines for Piecing

[Joe2017]

This thread is crazy helpful. Thank you everyone.

I'm only a month into dating my XW, and I can tell you that this is hard work.

joejoe1 touched on something I have found extremely helpful, which is that the LBS is no longer going to be in DB mode when trying to reconcile. In fact a lot of DB stuff can be harmful at this point. The only thing that should stay exactly the same during R from the DB stage is probably the 180s that were made. They need to stay. Everything else needs to be either dropped or modified, or it will cause issues.

Another very helpful point joejoe brought up was that you and your WS are now healing. The LBS may have done a lot of healing and strengthening from the standpoint of the D, but probably not enough in terms of the resentment they feel. Likewise, the WS is dealing with the fact that they shot themselves in the head and have nobody to blame anymore except themselves. When they were in the "fog" they blamed the LBS. Now that the fog lifted it's more clear to them that THEY did this to their family.

If the WS/WAS is truly repentant, the karma guilt bus is already on top of them and crushing them every day. It is NOT your job as the LBS to be driving that bus. Punishing them is counterproductive, and if your spouse really is remorseful then they are living each day under a cloud of constant guilt. It is very easy to trigger the guilt if they are remorseful and they take responsibility for their actions.

It's up to the LBS to support them and help them. NOT coddle or take care of them with NGS tendencies, but to support them along their journey from a place of loving strength that can be respected by the WS.