One thing that has continually come up in this DB process and in my sitch is that I believe that one thing that attracted my W and I together was Mutual Emotional Unavailability.
Well, that's fine in a dating relationship. It is also the thing to do when a LBS is detaching from a wayward spouse. However, in a healthy MR, both spouses should have a warm, loving, intimate, emotional connection. Some H's may feel connected by having sex, whereas, some W's need to feel emotionally connected in order to desire a sexual relationship. For the W, sex is the expression of her emotional connection to her H.
Once there has been a commitment to work on the MR, you stop detaching and start building an emotional connection with your spouse. I'm not talking about becoming emotionally dependent. I'm not implying you smother her. I'm talking about you being available for your spouse's emotional needs. If you are unavailable to your W's emotional needs, then she is not going to feel intimately connected to you. Maybe.....just maybe, that's why she didn't feel that she got more from having sex. A wife wants to feel that emotional connection when making love with her H.
I'm not suggesting you are in the piecing stage, b/c you aren't, IMHO. However, I want you to understand that when you are reconciling and preparing to enter into the piecing stage, you should not intentionally be emotionally unavailable to your spouse. In order to piece the MR back to a healthy place, you have to get back that emotional connection to each other. You go from detaching to connecting.
When you feel the time is right, I encourage you to consider talking to your W and ask her if she can commit to working on the MR. If she wants to know what that includes, then that's the time to express what you need from her, in order to piece the M back together. If she won't agree and/or refuses to commit, then end the conversation.
I know it's frustrating having a spouse who won't talk, but don't try to speak for her. You do a lot of mind reading, which is probably b/c she won't communicate. (I have a spouse who doesn't talk, so I understand.)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
