Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[Gerda]

Divorce court today. One of our Catholic friends is coming to sit in the courtroom. It's the first time H will have to face anyone we know about what he is doing.

I actually had a small victory with my other court case and might have found a solution to save me from being sued by the landlord at that biz. I worked so hard and it was a true rollercoaster.

But as soon as it was starting to clear up, now I have to go and do this. I am very tired, spiritually. About to go to church and lay it all at God's feet.

H has been away a lot, he is apparently doing a renovation project at the house of the godfather who is paying for his D. He told me that this man has been loaning him money -- presumably against the sale of his godchildren's house. And now that man is paying him to renovate his house though for the past five years of MLC, our house has fallen into a state of total disrepair and I am trapped at home because of the car. (It happened again with car this past weekend, will paste our exchange below.)

I was actually remembering something about that friend. Our entire marriage, this friend had a weird intimacy with H. H and I had many fights over spending time with that friend. For example, we would finally be going on a trip with the kids and have the chance to have some time alone and he would invite that friend and his family. Now, looking back on it, I feel that I must have sensed something. I thought it was me. But now, thinking back on it, I always wanted my H to have good friends, and I always wanted to do things with other families. There was just something about that friend that made my skin crawl. At BD, H even told me that he and that friend wanted to take over our business and cut me out of it. I was so hurt that I offered to keep the business with him (we had been planning to sell it and move to Europe) and try harder to run it as a team. I just worked my butt off and tried to be so sweet while he began his descent into all that monstrous behavior, affairs, etc. I didn't know then that he was in MLC.

Ugh, as I am writing, i hear H downstairs. He has come home from his two-hour run and is preparing himself for the day. I can feel the self-righteous indignation radiating all the way to me upstairs. He truly feels he is doing God's will by finally standing up for himself and ridding himself of me. I know I am not supposed to think about that and just focus on me, but on a day like today, it's just all before me, with him living here, it's so impossible.

Anyway, I need you guys today. Send me some prayers or some words. I am dreading court. Though I must say that having an L is very different. In the past I would have had to spend all these days preparing for court, all while having to see H in the kitchen, etc. Now that I have an L, I am not even sure what we are doing at court today. I am just letting her lead me like a sheep. And reminding myself that God is in control and has a plan for me.

Here's that latest exchange about car. He was about an hour away at the friend's, not sure why he wrote 1/2 hour. He seemed to have agreed that I could have car on weekends but every time starts up again asking for it, so I said I needed it Sun but not Sat. When I woke up in morn, saw his text, so my plan for use was dashed. I was pissed, honestly, so my reply to him was not the usual Gerda politeness. He continues to use a sweet nickname for me, I don't get it.

On Sun, 8:40 AM, H wrote:

>What time do you need the car? I could leave now and be at (home) in a
>half hour, but if you will not need it, I would stay and work.

On Sun, Jan 13, 2019 at 10:00 AM Gerda wrote:
Stay there. it's too late now for me to do what I was going to do.

On Sun, 11 AM, H wrote:
Phooey, Gerdsie! I said I clearly I could be at (home) in 30 mins, and that I was ready and willing to do it, and the only reason I asked is because you have a long history of indecisiveness regarding car use. I was just being adaptable, equal, humane, and reasonable (given past non-uses) in asking — not combative.