Building my best self and life with or without W

[Did]

D4 is pretty sick been nurturing as best I can went out for a bunch of food and meds made soup all that good stuff. Anyway D4 been asking to ft mom. Texted her said she was driving expected a call back. D4 upset later asking for mom again. W is very nurturing. Texted her. She said she’s not home but could ft. I knew what that meant. Meanwhile D4 crying asking why she won’t ft. I said D4 is upset and wants to talk to you.

D4 barely spoke to her but W looked good hair done up. Obviously at a guys house sitting on the couch. I don’t know why I even allowed ft to happen. I pushed for it. It’s like I want the pain. And at this point why should I expect any different. She was alone maybe for a couple months early on. But Gd dam that sht still hurts like a btch. A month ago or less she told me she really misses me of course like an idiot I ran over there. She’s out doing her thing I’m sure having wild sex as she seems to be into these days. I’ve read stuff about the weakest kind of person is one that jumps from relationship to relationship. Doesn’t really feel any better though. Honestly why do I even want her I guess I’m just as weak. And my self worth is just as low internally.

Tomorrow I’ll drop off D4. Not going into her place. Mistake to spend any time there whether I’m on the lease or not.

Looking for advice not as much on the feelings but action. NC no FT. I’m on her lease but she wouldn’t not pay and ruin her credit. Been paying $2325 could go down to $1325 - rent or just 0. I’ll consult an attorney but they won’t have any advice except 50/50 is best case scenario and that her not taking half of equity in investment property or Ira is better than I’ll get in court. Honestly I don’t really care about the money. I want to be strong, independt, unavailable, not care anymore.

She knows February was my timetable. Obviously there needs to be some conversation in February. Or I can just say the separation and leeway doesn’t work for me. There will be no more voluntary support unless or until we divorce. Don’t really wanna give an ultimatum. She has spent little time trying to make money. I’ve enabled her. I need to get over her move on. Her norm is divorce and split custody. That’s what she had as a kid. And what she seems comfortable with and subconsciously working towards even when she has come back. She never made action to make it work.

Thanks so much. I really hope to hear from vets.