Hi, bare with please. So married 13 years, together 15 years, 11 year old son. Went thru 2 moves together, one deployment, 2 miscarriages then secondary infertility and treatments. Dad died 2 years ago of cancer, then became full time caregiver for mother with alzheimers. She passed away 2 months ago and 6 weeks later as I was still mourning her my husband tells me he no longer sees a future together. He was close to my parents as well.
Seems I've changed and he found himself and we have no common interests any longer he says. We have agreed to counseling and have had a couple of sessions so far. He won't say I love you and told me he loves me but doesn't know if he is in love with me. Oh, and we booked a trip with our child during all this for the future. Best part is, he became good friends with my friend and I found them texting back and forth behind my back excessively. She also works for him and is married and we are all family friends.
I'm not speaking with her any longer, hurt by him bc the texts were deleted and felt he couldn't come talk to me but could to her and emotionally abandoned me when my mom passed. I do believe him when he says it's just a friendship bc I have male friends, however I shared my discussions with them with him. He is traveling now but texting me to see how my day is and keep me updated where he is and to such.
I am waiting for my copy of the Divorce Remedy to come in. In the meantime, during a one on one with our therapist he told me to get control back and he is the one who told me to get this book. Seems my husband thinks I should be stronger bc I am typically a strong woman. However, I feel he hit me at my lowest point and I feel beaten.
Last edited by Cadet; 01/14/1908:46 PM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
First, your therapist rocks! Well done on getting a good one. Any therapist that would point you at DR is worth it.
Second, read the links Cadet is about to post. All of them. Word for word. Pay attention to detachment. That is your key to your progress. You have to lovingly detach. Stop saying ILY. If he says it you can say it back but just like sex, do not be initiator.
Third, detach. GAL like a mad woman. Be as busy as you can be. And don't feel the need to tell him what you are doing. He is the one that doesn't see a future. When he asks questions you tell him "That is a question that would be appropriate for two people committed to each other to ask and answer." Every minute you aren't with son, you are busy, preferably out of the house. THIS IS KEY.
Fourth, 180 on any behaviors that are detrimental. This is not for him, This is for you. You need to use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Be the best version of Lisa Ann you can be. Keep going to IC! That is imperative.
Fifth, love yourself! You don't deserve this. As such, HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When I found out he has been texting my friend and how many texts went thru a day, I stormed out and left. I came back later when I knew he took my son out for a bit. When he came home, I was in our room, door shut watching tv. He slept in the guest room that night and the next morning said good morning, bye, etc. versus placing all the blame on me again.
sorry to hear about your situation. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your folks passing. As you post more details you will get more advice and support. Everyone here has been there in one way or another.
Originally Posted by LisaAnn
I do believe him when he says it's just a friendship bc I have male friends, however I shared my discussions with them with him.
How many of your male friends do you know would sleep with you? Would your "friend" sleep with your husband? Why does their communication bother you so much? And why did your H delete all the text messages?
Has your husband mentioned the word "divorce" at all?
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 01/14/1909:09 PM.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I honestly don't think she would. I'm hurt because for months I've been trying to see why he has been distant (his boss also passed away unexpectedly and I can tell he wasn't happy now at work), instead of talking to me, he talked to her. I am hurt bc he should have been talking to me. Supposedly it's because they work together and have common interests, fact to me is - both kept it from me. He won't say why they were deleted, only that he knew I would over react. I'm going to bring it up again in therapy to see if he will say. Yes, our initial conversation he did mention D. He said he would give it some time and see what happens and if I change. Thing is, he won't take blame at all. He won't even take blame for the texting. All he says is he really didn't realize it. I feel betrayed by them both and I have told him that in and out of counseling. For some reason while he is traveling, he is checking in so I really don't get it.
I honestly don't think she would. I'm hurt because for months I've been trying to see why he has been distant (his boss also passed away unexpectedly and I can tell he wasn't happy now at work), instead of talking to me, he talked to her. I am hurt bc he should have been talking to me. Supposedly it's because they work together and have common interests, fact to me is - both kept it from me. He won't say why they were deleted, only that he knew I would over react. I'm going to bring it up again in therapy to see if he will say. Yes, our initial conversation he did mention D. He said he would give it some time and see what happens and if I change. Thing is, he won't take blame at all. He won't even take blame for the texting. All he says is he really didn't realize it. I feel betrayed by them both and I have told him that in and out of counseling. For some reason while he is traveling, he is checking in so I really don't get it.
People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. He deleted these for a reason. They were MORE than friendship.
Also, he is checking in with you because he knows you are upset. This is common WAS/WS behavior. Temp checking. "Is she still mad at me?" "Is everything okay?" "Did my BD throw her off the scent?"
Lots of WSs bank on their LBS being so distraught after BD that they can get away with anything. Including still engaging in their inappropriate messaging to OP after BD.
The point is you can't control him. So don't try. Your goal is to detach to the point where no matter what he says or does, it no longer effects you emotionally. Easier said than done. BUT, so freeing once you get there!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
