First I want to add that during said R talk. I said that I wondered if she had cut out the sex in order to push me to do the dirty work of ending it all. She honestly denied this. I believe it at least on a conscious level.
Look, I admit that some women use sex to manipulate a man, but the biggest reason a W doesn't want to have sex with her H is b/c she doesn't desire him enough. And the crazy part about it is that a W will tell her H almost anything, other than that she doesn't desire him. Now, the key is finding out why she doesn't desire him.
If your W is experiencing physical or psychological issues that are preventing her from wanting to have sex with you......then for goodness sake, try to get her to see a doctor about her hormone levels, and to see a sex therapist.
RR17, you are doing too much guess work about your W and the status of the MR. You should know if your W is ready to go to work, or not. What did she mean she "could not go back"? Was she referring to sleeping in the same room, or having sex, or do you even know?
I think getting to a healthy sexual MR will be hindered by separate bedrooms. For one reason, sleeping in separate bedrooms automatically cuts out a time where relaxed, unplanned, tender responses to intimacy usually takes place. Otherwise, one of you would need to make your intentions or request for sex known in advance of going to bed. Once sex is over, then you each go back to separate rooms. I think women like to feel the physical closeness, without it always leading to sex. There is a certain feeling of security that comes from laying in the arms of her husband as she is drifting off to sleep. If he never goes to bed with her except when he wants sex......it could leave her feeling resentful. Women like to allow the natural process that leads up to making love. Whereas, men want to know where it's going before proceeding.
I've known older couples who had to have separate bedrooms, due to health or sleeping problems. However, it does decrease the periods of intimacy. I believe it is important, at least for a W, for her H to go to bed with her every night to share that time together in bed. Being in bed, cuddling, talking, or just laying close to each other offers a sense of intimacy, even if they don't have sex. Then, if one needs to go sleep in another room for health reasons.....so be it. Once a couple establishes that habit of having separate bedrooms.....it is very difficult to start sleeping in the bed together again.
Look at how neither of you show non-sexual touches. It is a very bad habit that comes from the lack of emotional intimacy and physical closeness. It should be the most natural thing in the world.....and yet, you can't seem to find an opportunity to touch her. If you can't touch her in non-sexual ways, or she reacts from a non-sexual touch.....then this MR needs professional help.
I understand you have your needs, and I'm not suggesting you settle for a SSM. Do you just want to have sex when you need it, or do you want to have a close, intimate relationship where both of you have your needs met? Maybe you can approach her and ask what her emotional needs are. What does she want in the relationship? If she can't talk about it, or you feel too awkward, then again.....I suggest MC and/or sex therapy. It is really, really tough getting the MR back on track without help.
Hope to hear a little more often from you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
