All of this to say that I think for me, I just needed a little more validation from my H to feel a little more confident all around. I think he was comfortable with me and didn't think twice about making sure I felt secure as a woman, and if I ever shared insecurities with him he would brush it off rather than validate. I did talk to him about that kind of thing (he would do that with almost everything - if I was sick, stomach hurt, stubbed my toe, whatever). I just accepted it as part of his personality and because I felt secure with him as a person I didn't really make it a bigger deal.
I had no problem calling my wife ‘beautiful’ or ‘sexy’ or anything like that.
Until the ILYBINILWY BD back in Feb. (and then I started up again once I felt like things were better), and I haven’t done that since late Oct. / early Nov—basically when she became pretty distant / b*tchy towards me. I haven’t said it since, and the same goes for the ILYs. Too much like pursuit. She won’t get it again until / unless she recommits to me and MR.
And the thing is is that I’ve had no problem no finding her attractive and saying something about it. When we first met, she weighed then about as much as I do now (I’m 6’1’’, she’s 5’5’’) and her teeth weren’t great at all—not to body-shame, but those are facts. She’s lost much of the weight, though still has some baby weight (but that’s expected), but her teeth still need some work (this sounds uncharitable, but I’ve often wondered if she splits 1. Who would help her pay for the work 2. Who would help her recover from the dental work 3. Good luck finding men who are into women with bad teeth). In spite of all that, I still found her fairly attractive, and sometimes even incredibly sexy at times. But right now? Attraction is not there, because it’s not just physical for me, it’s emotional and spiritual and who knows what’s going on spiritually, and things aren’t good emotionally with her.
Confessing ‘turn-ons’ and fantasies were a different story—hard at times, but I would do it, even it she kinda did have to drag it out of me.
Originally Posted by TJT
As I've mentioned before, I was also always hyper aware of not being a "naggy" wife, and I found it really difficult with my H to figure out where the line was between me simply communicating and him perceiving it as complaining or criticism.
My W is the same way. Didn’t want to be ‘naggy,’ but to me it would come across as naggy / complaining / criticism. Not sure if a guy thing or what.
Originally Posted by TJT
As far as other stuff goes, I have to say it sounds like you were responding and putting in the effort. Based on your short anecdote, I have to agree that it seems like WAS excuses. Not that there may not have still been room to improve, but I just don't think someone walks away from a spouse because of that, especially when you seemed to be more than open and willing to try. It even sounds a little MLCish.
I tried—probably not as much as she wanted, but I know I didn’t do NOTHING. I’ve wondered if there is some MLC going on here, especially with the pregnancy supposedly ‘robbing’ her of a chance for a work promotion. A former IC told me that MLCs can happen at pretty much any age, I guess including 30. At this point, it doesn’t really matter what the title is, it’s just what it is and I’ll need to deal as best as I can.
W had other things that she wanted me to work on (‘dealbreakers’): me being forgetful, opening up about sex, and finding something else other than NFP for birth control (but she went ahead and got the IUD over my objections so yeah...)
Originally Posted by TJT
I personally don't get the whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing...
....Anyway, I can respect your W or any woman for wanting to experiment, even though it's not particularly my thing, but I can't see myself leaving someone even if there were things I wanted a little more of. Unless she hated sex with you for a long time and never said anything, or things deteriorated over time to a state she didn't like...
I never understood Fifty Shades of Gray, either, but I’m not the target audience, and I’ve always wondered how it squares with concerns about treatment / abuse of women, but whatever. Not my thing, I’m not the audience, and this isn’t the forum.
She told her a few times that she just wanted to be f*cked—probably just taken, 50 Shades-style. For me, it’s more difficult emotionally to be that spontaneous, though there were occasions where we’d get home to our previous townhouse, have our then-only son watch TV downstairs and she and I would have sex or fool around (have a quickie). That was great.
Last fall and early in to the winter, I started to open up more with experimenting. And then post-ILYBINILWY BD, we had a lot of sex. I’m sure being pregnant helped for her in that regard (though for some women I’m sure it doesn’t). One of the 180s for me was being more open to frequency / acts, so I made myself as available to her as I could, though I was also trying to take more leadership at home and with our only son at the time, as well as having a full teaching schedule (by early June, with everything I was mentally fried, but at least it was summer break for me so I could rest). I’d say we were probably getting after it every other day / 4 days a week, possibly more, as long as we both were in the mood. I started to let up on sex out of respect for her as weather got warmer in August / September and she got closer to the due date—I wouldn’t push her. We had sex a couple of days before YS was born, and then once in early November.....and that’s it.
She would often talk about how much she would love to have sex, and how much she would love to have sex with me (and how after drinking she would only want to get hand-sy and have sex with me—and that that handsiness would happen with only me and no one else).
I don’t think she hated sex with me....and if she did, it only became recent (probably post-pregnancy, I’d bet).
Originally Posted by TJT
it sounds like there may be many other things accompanying this "awakening" that are affecting her
