Jim – That sounds good to correct him and explain to our daughter that he chose to leave. She still keeps telling me I should have been nicer to him (not just during his recent visit but in the past) so in her limited understanding she seems to think I did something wrong to cause him to leave. I hope she figures out on her own in the future what actually happened.
Sia – Yes I'll keep him outside of my apartment from now on.
KitCat – Good to hear you had a happy ending after everything you went through. I’m looking for lawyers. The one that was recommended to me by the lawyer that prepared my husband's immigration papers is $625 per hour so I've been checking ones with lower rates. I can't justify throwing away $625 for another consultation. The $350 I paid for the last one was pretty much worthless because she just confirmed what I already had calculated from my own research. Hopefully this week or next I'll find a less expensive one worth meeting.
Ginger – I can tell you know what it’s like to be your own safety net. There are a lot of women who have no idea what that would be like. Pretty much all of my friends are in stable marriages and many of them don't work. If their husbands left I don't know how they'd survive. I think they'd move back in with their parents. What happens when moving back with your parents isn't an option? You have to rely on yourself! I've lived this way most of my adult life. It's different though when you have a child. A lot of my anxiety comes from not knowing what would happen to our daughter if I become ill and I can't care for her myself. We don't have anyone else. I can take care of her and I when I'm healthy but if I'm not we have no back-up plan. I hope I can figure something out. It’s amazing what you’ve been through with your ex-husband and life. I’m not sure how you can go to the movies with your Ex-husband and his wife. I'm not sure I'll ever have any desire nor ability to socialize with my husband after we get divorced. What he did is just so bad that I don't feel we can just be friends after divorce although I've been ok with being friendly over the past year while waiting to see if he figures things out. I’m still not sure which version of my husband is the real version…perhaps he was an actor all those years and everything he did was fake. I just don't know anymore, but what I observed is he didn't have the coping skills to become a US physician and a father. He buckled under pressure after having grown up in a house where his parents took care of everything and all he needed to do was study. It seems he just didn't have it in him to rise to the occasion and he was too tempted by materialistic things to sacrifice himself for his family and career. There are still moments when I wonder if I was just so terrible and extreme and difficult to live with that he felt he had to leave, but I've apologized and worked hard to change myself and it makes no difference to him. Only God knows what lies in his heart.
Neffer – thanks again for pitching in and suggesting I’m doing the right thing.
PsySara – thanks again for your input. Your story appears to be a long one just as mine is, as in multiple years of going through this back-and-forth. It’s good when you reached your breaking point you felt sure about filing for divorce when you did it. It sounds, however, like your husband didn’t want to divorce considering he wasn’t being proactive about the paperwork. Mine on the other hand is long gone so your marriage probably had a much better chance of your husband turning himself around although I think someday further into the future mine will. That brings me back to the question I asked and your response – you explained the process you went through well and how your husband came to the point of changing himself. I may get divorced and meet another man someday and perhaps at that point my husband will feel some loss or remorse but I can’t really make those things happen in hopes that he’ll realize his mistake later. In my case I still prefer that if my husband wants to divorce that he do all the work and if I meet a new partner then it won’t really matter at that point if he's sorry. The big question I keep asking is whether he can ever be a good person again. Not necessarily come back but to realize that abandoning his family, ignoring his job and getting fired, dating younger women for easy access to sex, etc… isn’t the right thing to do. He grew up in a religious family with caring and educated parents so this is not normal for someone like him to go wild and become so selfish and careless. I wish he’d change so our daughter can be proud of her dad, and so he can be a well-functioning person in society and not just some immature playboy that’s unemployed and broke. I wish he could change so we could consider reconciling, although after his behavior during the holidays I don’t see any hope for that. Anyway I appreciate your input and I like to think there’s always a little glimmer of hope.
