Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

FlySolo,

Thanks for contributing your thoughts. I especially appreciate hearing a female point of view.

I don't know that one will ever completely move past the pain. I certainly still have twinges, and random thoughts that pop up every now and again. Though that may be once every couple of days as opposed to the steady stream of painful memories that blanketed every day early on. I lost my brother over 25 years ago and I still have twinges of pain when thoughts of him pop up, but over the years the intensity has dulled and the frequency has dropped enormously. I think that I am in a good spot because my focus is on what lies ahead, not what is behind me. In yoga there is a concept of "drishti" which is both a physical spot that you focus on in order to steady yourself, but also an internal focus. It can help you get further, deeper in a pose, or hold a pose longer even though your body may be screaming out to stop. If we focus on the pain in our life we give it control and can allow it to block out the sun. But the opposite is also true. If we focus on the positives and things we have to be grateful for, it can allow us to move towards them. I am aware that this can sound like new-age hokey and I don't make any claim that it is a panacea. There is still pain and hurt and we have to face it and deal with it. But there is a way to do so which doesn't allow it to define us or control us.

I was really struck by Maika's most recent update and the emotional response it provoked in him. I don't doubt that the same thing could happen to me. It makes me question whether or not there is a part of me that wants to move forward with the D process so that I can grab the reins and be "in control" of that process rather than allowing my W to make that decision. I don't know if that is healthy or not. I want to continue to grow in my comfort with uncertainty and being okay with not having control.

In terms of dating you are absolutely right that it is a red flag that often times is best overcome by letting someone get to know me a bit (generally over email/text/messaging) before coming out with it when we meet in person. It is a delicate balance though because if I leave it for too long it can feel dishonest. When I do raise it, I make it clear that my wife and I separated nine months ago, that we barely communicate and that it is just a matter of time and legalities before we are officially divorced. I always say that I am happy to answer any questions about it, but I tend not to go into any further details unless asked.

This weekend I had my third date with the woman who is separated. She is clearly interested in me, but far less comfortable with moving back into the dating world than I am, despite having been separated longer. At the end of the evening she confessed that she knew she was completely awkward and uncomfortable and apologized for it. I am in no rush, but it is unusual for me to have such chaste dates. When I took her hand in mine as she spoke I realized that it was the first time we had even had such minimal skin to skin contact. Again, going slow is fine, but it makes me wonder if she just isn't ready yet (and makes me understand how skeptical women might be about me!) I am still seeing other people (though I had a date cancel on me today, for the second straight Sunday!) while I wait and see how this progresses.

Good luck with the hot yoga! Some of it (Bikram) is too hot for me. Make sure to bring a towel and water!