TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Thanks Bo, I think I'm on the upswing today, knock on wood!

No worries about sharing your story here. It's all on the same topic. I'm glad that you are pushing through from a self-esteem/body positivity standpoint. I've always been relatively fit, although H and I both got a little "soft" after M, but nothing drastic. However, I've also ALWAYS been self-conscious of my body. It's weird because I've always thought I looked good in a general sense, but when I am in a vulnerable position all I can think about are the things that aren't perfect. I even look back of pictures of myself in high school when I was clearly very svelte and I wonder what the heck was I thinking back then when I thought I needed to lose weight! haha.

All of this to say that I think for me, I just needed a little more validation from my H to feel a little more confident all around. I think he was comfortable with me and didn't think twice about making sure I felt secure as a woman, and if I ever shared insecurities with him he would brush it off rather than validate. I did talk to him about that kind of thing (he would do that with almost everything - if I was sick, stomach hurt, stubbed my toe, whatever). I just accepted it as part of his personality and because I felt secure with him as a person I didn't really make it a bigger deal. As I've mentioned before, I was also always hyper aware of not being a "naggy" wife, and I found it really difficult with my H to figure out where the line was between me simply communicating and him perceiving it as complaining or criticism.

As far as other stuff goes, I have to say it sounds like you were responding and putting in the effort. Based on your short anecdote, I have to agree that it seems like WAS excuses. Not that there may not have still been room to improve, but I just don't think someone walks away from a spouse because of that, especially when you seemed to be more than open and willing to try. It even sounds a little MLCish.

I personally don't get the whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing... out of boredom the other day I finally watched the movie, and it just seemed really weird and the guy was an A-hole with mommy problems! I hear the books may be a little better. Anyway, I can respect your W or any woman for wanting to experiment, even though it's not particularly my thing, but I can't see myself leaving someone even if there were things I wanted a little more of. Unless she hated sex with you for a long time and never said anything, or things deteriorated over time to a state she didn't like... it sounds like there may be many other things accompanying this "awakening" that are affecting her.

But I will reiterate how great it is that you are feeling good about yourself physically now. I've noticed since my H left that I look at my pictures and can't seem to see straight whether I look good or not. Sometimes this was in comparison to OW, but it got to the point where I would look at a picture and just not think of myself as pretty anymore! It wasn't until I went on my vaca last week that I realized I do still look good, and I think better than OW, AND that I'm going to keep going in improving my physical health, too, to make absolute SURE of it. Divorce diet definitely helps, I lost 8 lbs no problem when all this started.

Like you said though, it's very hard to be content with that when you don't have anyone around to appreciate it, just like everything else in life! I was reminded earlier of more things that I didn't like about my H, and it just doesn't do me any good because ultimately I come to the conclusion that those things didn't matter to me that much because he was enough for me as a whole. So then I just go back to being sad that I wasn't enough for him, and I know how much horse crap that is.