Haven’t posted in a week. I’ve been on here and there reading, but frankly just thought I needed a bit of break from it all. Although immersing myself in the forums has been very valuable in helping me, I felt it was time to just let it be, to not over analyze, to just live life. I’ve already fallen off the 2019 goals wagon on listing 3 things a day that made me happy or I’m thankful for. But, I have been identifying them here and there, and that’s something. Perhaps listing them in a journal regularly would help me on days that are not so great. I could review them and realize things are pretty good most of the time. Something to ponder.
Goal #2 for 2019 – tackling a closet a month. That is happening today. Most of it is H’s stuff. I’ve decided to box it up and label it H’s things, and leave it at that. I’ve decided I don’t need to waste my time sorting through his things, or his parents things.
Goal #3 - Baking Artisan Breads. I haven’t done it yet, but recipe is identified, and if the closet project wraps up timely, I may do that today.
Goal #4 – Finding a group to do more outdoor activities with. Haven’t really looked for the “group” yet, but had some great walks where a Red Tailed hawk and a buck watched me. Pretty awesome. Yesterday I hiked a nature preserve with a friend, and from a very far distance, identified 2 Bald Eagles and their scraggly nest. Again, pretty awesome. Today had a long walk with a new friend from the neighborhood. She is my age, single, and has been inviting out all over the place. Happy Hour Friday, her family for dinner yesterday, and the walk today. Other invitations for future events, too.
About a week ago H was over and we talked a bit. I initiated it. I know that is a big DBing no no, and that he could now go further underground. I prayed a lot the previous 2 weeks about guidance on if and when I should talk to H, what I should say and how to proceed. It just sort of happened impromptu. I told him that after 30 years of knowing me, I think it was time we talked once in a while. That he could feel free to tell me anything, even if he thinks I might be hurt. We didn’t talk too much then, but he did tell me he was very depressed, and said he was drinking way too much. I think his work is suffering too. I asked him if he thought talking to someone might help. He didn’t really say anything to that. He has other health issues. His rental is coming due, and I offered the spare bedroom. That offer just sort of came out. He has chosen to find another “short term” rental. I’m kind of relieved, as I think it would have been strained. He did comment how content I am. I shared that I have a full life, with friends that seem to enjoy my company and my church, and I AM content because I’m doing things that give me pleasure. He continues to wallow in the past, and is making no moves to improve himself or his perspective on the situation. I have left it alone now. He did break down and cry a bit, and we hugged. He said “I love you. I really do”. Then he left.
They talk about hitting rock bottom, and no repairs can be made that are lasting without doing so. H hasn’t yet, I don’t think. But, I’m worried about what that might look like for him. He got a worrysome lab back yesterday, and messaged me about it. I fear if it turns out to be something, that it will really put him over the edge. I made an appointment with my IC (also our MC), as I thought it was time to regroup.
My GAL activities see to be in overdrive, and it’s been great! Doing a few bible studies that is grounding me and giving me piece. Looking forward to a long -weekend trip with a high school friend in early February.
