Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement that I seem to be doing well. I needed those observations because sometimes I feel so sorry for myself. The kids went back to school today after a month here. It's too quiet, and my thoughts are wandering. But, your words help me snap out of it because I realize I am doing pretty well. I got 2 books today - one from the library (The Four Agreements) and one a friend bought for me (What on Earth am I Here For). The first I think was on someone's book list here on the Forum. The 2nd is a "guide" to a 40 day spiritual journey. I will start them both this week. Also doing my Chronological bible readings, which I do at 5:30 a.m. before I get ready for work.
On another note, I saw the charge on our joint CC today for the apartment and it put me in a bit of a funk tonight. It's for a bit less this month, so I think that means he booked for more than 1 month this time (gets a discount if he books 2 or 3 months at a time, I believe). I wonder what goes through his mind when he makes this decision to go another month. "I'm doing fine living here, and W is too, so it's good for now". OR, "I can't face W, so I might as well stay here". OR "This will bide time until I can file for D".
It goes back to the unknown, and what I can't control. Still struggle with that, for sure. I'm trying to practice stepping back from things I can't control in all aspects of my life. I'm getting better.
I'm still struggling with almost obsessive thoughts of confronting H about his plans. But, I know that's not the thing to do. So, for now, I won't. I'm considering making an appointment with my IC (who was also our MC). Just to get grounded, use her as a sounding board for some of these thoughts. Maybe just a neutral party to just talk to. No real purpose, but I am considering it.
I'm also considering having a consultation with an attorney. I feel it might be time to just start interviewing them "just in case". The last thing I would want is for H to file, and I'm not ready and have to respond in 20 days. I don't think he would without telling me, but he has said nothing for 3 months, so who knows. Better to be prepared and not have to use the services than be caught off guard, I think. I found out that my work has referrals and 25% discount on legal fees. So that's something.
Well, that's my stream of consciousness in this quiet house tonight. I think I'll start one of my new books.
P.S. In support of one of my 2019 goals:
1) I'm thankful my kids made it back to school safely. 2) I'm thankful for a developing new friendship with a woman from the gym 3) I'm thankful for a kick-a** workout at boot camp tonight!
Keep working to let go of things you cannot control. It will come.
I most definitely encourage you to seek legal counsel. All you need do is gather information, you need not act on it. You will feel better knowing where you stand, it alleviates the fears surrounding the unknown of all this. It is best to be prepared, you don’t want to be scrambling with a 20 day deadline over head.
Hmmm. Work out at boot camp. Way to go!
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I think that letting go of things one cannot control is very difficult and certainly something I struggle with as well. Living in a state with so much uncertainty is just so difficult. Best of luck pursuing you 2019 goals.
After feeling a little low after the kids left, and no plans for the weekend, it has shaped up. Got together with a new friend last night for happy hour. She is going through things in her own marriage, and we feel like God has brought us together at this time with purpose. She is someone from boot camp. We really had a nice time! She is the friend that bought the 40 day devotional for me.
Today I walked to boot camp, had a great workout, walked to get coffee than home. Took up most of the morning. On the way, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk in a tree in our neighborhood. He was so close. Made me happy.
I am thankful for nature in my backyard.
A co-worker invited me to go to a picnic tomorrow afternoon in celebration of Epiphany. Not sure if I will, but I’m liking all of these things popping up to keep me busy!
I am thankful for people in my life that seem to enjoy my company.
It’s a gorgeous day here today, and I’ve got the house all opened up. It’s inspiring me to do some “spring” cleaning. I do like my quiet times at home. They are not all lonely and doom and gloom. Perhaps it’s the day to tackle one of my 2019 goals – closet cleaning, with good ol’ 80s Rock blaring.
It’s very odd. But today I feel at peace. I feel like everything is going to be o.k. I even told my boot camp friend that I feel that I won’t end up divorced. I’m not analyzing these thoughts too much. It’s just an observation.
I am grateful for these moments of peace and tranquility.
Haven’t posted in a week. I’ve been on here and there reading, but frankly just thought I needed a bit of break from it all. Although immersing myself in the forums has been very valuable in helping me, I felt it was time to just let it be, to not over analyze, to just live life. I’ve already fallen off the 2019 goals wagon on listing 3 things a day that made me happy or I’m thankful for. But, I have been identifying them here and there, and that’s something. Perhaps listing them in a journal regularly would help me on days that are not so great. I could review them and realize things are pretty good most of the time. Something to ponder.
Goal #2 for 2019 – tackling a closet a month. That is happening today. Most of it is H’s stuff. I’ve decided to box it up and label it H’s things, and leave it at that. I’ve decided I don’t need to waste my time sorting through his things, or his parents things.
Goal #3 - Baking Artisan Breads. I haven’t done it yet, but recipe is identified, and if the closet project wraps up timely, I may do that today.
Goal #4 – Finding a group to do more outdoor activities with. Haven’t really looked for the “group” yet, but had some great walks where a Red Tailed hawk and a buck watched me. Pretty awesome. Yesterday I hiked a nature preserve with a friend, and from a very far distance, identified 2 Bald Eagles and their scraggly nest. Again, pretty awesome. Today had a long walk with a new friend from the neighborhood. She is my age, single, and has been inviting out all over the place. Happy Hour Friday, her family for dinner yesterday, and the walk today. Other invitations for future events, too.
About a week ago H was over and we talked a bit. I initiated it. I know that is a big DBing no no, and that he could now go further underground. I prayed a lot the previous 2 weeks about guidance on if and when I should talk to H, what I should say and how to proceed. It just sort of happened impromptu. I told him that after 30 years of knowing me, I think it was time we talked once in a while. That he could feel free to tell me anything, even if he thinks I might be hurt. We didn’t talk too much then, but he did tell me he was very depressed, and said he was drinking way too much. I think his work is suffering too. I asked him if he thought talking to someone might help. He didn’t really say anything to that. He has other health issues. His rental is coming due, and I offered the spare bedroom. That offer just sort of came out. He has chosen to find another “short term” rental. I’m kind of relieved, as I think it would have been strained. He did comment how content I am. I shared that I have a full life, with friends that seem to enjoy my company and my church, and I AM content because I’m doing things that give me pleasure. He continues to wallow in the past, and is making no moves to improve himself or his perspective on the situation. I have left it alone now. He did break down and cry a bit, and we hugged. He said “I love you. I really do”. Then he left.
They talk about hitting rock bottom, and no repairs can be made that are lasting without doing so. H hasn’t yet, I don’t think. But, I’m worried about what that might look like for him. He got a worrysome lab back yesterday, and messaged me about it. I fear if it turns out to be something, that it will really put him over the edge. I made an appointment with my IC (also our MC), as I thought it was time to regroup.
My GAL activities see to be in overdrive, and it’s been great! Doing a few bible studies that is grounding me and giving me piece. Looking forward to a long -weekend trip with a high school friend in early February.
I think you are doing just fine. So, you feel off the wagon for your 2019 goals. That is okay, just pick yourself up and continue moving forward...besides you have 11 months to work on them.
As for talking to your h, there is no set rule about that. At least he knows what is on your mind at this time. Sounds like he's doing a lot of self medicating. Hopefully he will take the lab results seriously and do something about it. I pray it's nothing.
Taking a closet each week will soon be a thing of history. You will be amazed at how much stuff the two of you had accumulated over the years. I think you are wise just putting his stuff in boxes and leaving them in another part of the house. One day, you may opt to say "h, I've packed up all of your stuff and it's here when you are ready to pick it up. I did not go through your belongings and toss anything out. I thought you might like to do that yourself".
Your GAL activities are wonderful and keeping you busy. Grace, keep up the good work. I'm very proud of how you are handling your situation.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Grace... I don’t think giving your H the option to talk is a bad thing. If you had done it with a set agenda of trying to get him back, that is a bit different. I think it is nice that he told you he loves you. I have no doubt that he does. And he is probably quite impressed by your strength. However, it sounds as if he doesn’t love himself a whole lot right now and it does sound like he is depressed and self-medicating with alcohol. Unfortunately, alcohol use generally only helps people to feel more depressed. IC might be helpful if he gets a good therapist. I would also strongly suggest to him that he talk to his doctor about his mood. He could benefit from an anti-depressant in the short term. It is not a “fix” but it can help to take the edge off.
Your H’s presentation does sound a bit worrisome to me. Is there anyone he talks to? Depressed people tend to want to isolate themselves and that is not healthy as they often just go into a downhill spiral without anyone around to counter their depressive thoughts. Does he have any friends that you know who might be willing to reach out to him? Not to talk with him about his marriage necessarily but just to offer their support? At the very least, maybe you could just nonchalantly check in with him once a week or so? Just a text to see how he is doing? I don’t know... I know it is against DB rules to initiate contact but I just worry about how hopeless he sounds. Of course, I don’t know him so you would probably be a better judge of where he is at mentally. (((HUGS)))
Unfortunately, alcohol use generally only helps people to feel more depressed. IC might be helpful if he gets a good therapist. I would also strongly suggest to him that he talk to his doctor about his mood. He could benefit from an anti-depressant in the short term. It is not a “fix” but it can help to take the edge off.
When he said he was drinking too much, I said “you know alcohol is a depressant and that will add to it”. He nodded in acknowledgment but said nothing. I also gently suggested that maybe talking with a counselor might help him regroup and find a direction. He didn’t say anything to that, just listened. As far as the meds, I suggested that when he was still in the house. He did a 10 day trial, and said he didn’t like how it made him feel, sleepy and foggy. Of course he was drinking then, too. And he didn’t give it nearly enough time to be beneficial even if he wasn’t drinking. I haven’t mentioned it again.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Your H’s presentation does sound a bit worrisome to me. Is there anyone he talks to? Depressed people tend to want to isolate themselves and that is not healthy as they often just go into a downhill spiral without anyone around to counter their depressive thoughts. Does he have any friends that you know who might be willing to reach out to him? Not to talk with him about his marriage necessarily but just to offer their support?
I also asked him if there was a friend he could reach out to. He said he has no friends. I suggested one (our best couple’s friend), and he said he only briefly contacted me a few times. I said he could reach out and he would probably welcome it. He said “They’ve aligned with you, I’m sure”. *sigh* All doom and gloom. He’s travelling this week and I suggested an out of town friend that lives there that has given him sage advice in the distant past. Maybe he will reach out to him. I won’t mention it again. It’s really out of my hands.
I am so worried, but all I can do it give it up in prayer. He knows I’m there for him, but he doesn’t understand why I would be after all that’s happened and “all he’s done”. I think he doesn’t feel worthy of my steadfast love and concern. The only thing I can do is continue to pray, and give it up to God. Maybe HE will ultimately use me to help him. Even if we don’t end up together, I want him to heal. I really do. It’s so sad to me. Especially since I’m now finding happiness and pleasure in my life. I want that for him too.
The days pass, life goes on. No earth shattering GAL activities, but there is always something to do. I actually enjoyed staying close to home this weekend. I realized there was a time when I just HAD to find something to do on a Friday or Saturday, or I felt lonely. I didn’t feel that way. A glass of wine and a movie on Friday night. Saturday night a girlfriend came over for dinner. We sat at the kitchen table for 3 hours and talked! No, not about “it”. Some of that of course, but mainly just stuff. It was nice. Church, the gym, errands filled up the rest of the weekend. And another week starts. I have fleeting thoughts of H. Mainly when I do my bible study or when I’m in church. So much of the church sermons and my bible study is about hope and purpose now. My thoughts go to H, and I pray he will find purpose and hope someday. I realized I’m not lonely, but he surely is.
Met with IC this week, just to regroup and discuss if/when/how to have interactions with H. She didn’t think it bad to reach out from time to time just to ask “how are you”. Of course I discussed my worry over his depression and safety. He has a pistol with him, so I did ask H if he would consider letting me keep it in light of our last conversation. He said he would consider it, with of course emphasis on “consider”. I don’t expect to see it.
I made an appointment with an attorney just to meet her and ask some basic questions. That comes up on Wednesday, so I’ve been putting together a one-pager on our finances and a list of questions. Can’t hurt to be proactive. If H decides to blindside me with papers, I want to have a plan. I don’t think he would, but he avoids addressing anything difficult, so he may just do it because perhaps he wouldn’t be able to face me.
So a friend of mine that fell off the exercise/healthy wagon wants to run a 5k, so I decided to do it too. Had a good start on the treadmill today. I’ve run a few in the past and even got a few medals. But, that was 5 years ago, so we’ll see. Goal is to run it in under 28 minutes. That was my best time back then, I think.
I don’t come to the forums as much as I used to. It kept me too mired in my situation. But, I read from time to time, and think about you all a lot. I pray for peace for all of you!
