TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

So I'm honestly doing reading and research to see what I can do to create my own healthy views and dialogue around the fact that as a human I am a sexual creature. I'm enjoying Emily Nagoski and Dan Savage - to me both feel very authentic and sex-positive.

Yeah, I'm interested in this too to see if it would "help". I have moments of feeling "sexual" as a person but I would say by and large, I could take it or leave it *shrug*. I've also been on BC for years which I know doesn't help with that. But it has never prevented me from doing it, it has just meant I'm content with whatever happens, no matter how simple, and like you I have never had this desire to do anything different.

Regarding the "yucky" feeling. My mind was opened by listening to Dan Savage (the famous sex advice columnist). He has some YouTube videos, but I don't think I'm allowed to specifically link on this forum. In one of them he talks about a Venn Diagram of what each partner wants to do in the bedroom. And if you only ever do what you both WANT to do, you will likely have a small overlap. But if you consider things that you are ambivalent to - but you do them for your partner - reports of sexual and relationship satisfaction go up. This is NOT anything that makes you feel shame, or fear, or anything negative. Just things you would not normally be into. Something to turn around in your brain.

Interesting concept, I will think about this more.

So to come full circle with what you said, Yail, hopefully whoever the next person is (even if it's H 2.0) will realize the importance of that communication with me and I won't feel so apprehensive about this stuff.

I think you need to as well. I think there are things that you'd really be into that are maybe not identified yet - and they may be subtle! - but you'll have to identify them with words so you can also communicate that to your partner.

Agreed. This is one area I've felt "shy" about, if that's even the right word, because it doesn't feel natural for me to do. I will also say I had tried to tell H a few times when he was doing something that was not working for me, and per usual with feedback, he took it personally, got upset and it would ruin the mood (after he BDed I told him this directly, as he would tell me he wanted better communication which was super ironic to me).

So I stopped giving feedback because I didn't want to make him upset. Nevertheless, you're right that I could have started a conversation and I did think about talking to him many times about some of my minor wants. I think I just figured I'd get the same response as I do with everything else, which was typically that everything was fine...and I was afraid that making my own suggestion about something I wanted would come off as critical, and it wasn't really worth that for me.

I honestly wondered one day if he even knew my bra size (guys should know that about their Ws right?)

I'm going to go with "no". I have no idea what size W wore. And I doubt she knew mine. I'm a woman, I should be tuned into this stuff! But not a clue. I don't know if most men know their W's sizes. Curious now!

You're probably right about this. I won't expect it in the future I just wonder how some people buy their Ws lingerie without knowing what size they are!? That being said I think I might prefer to be the buyer anyway..maybe with input.

In fact I did exactly that after BD but before I found out about A (and clearly before I was DBing)...sent him a text of something I bought and wasn't sure if he would be open to it (stupid me) thinking maybe he would see I was trying and it would help our relationship. Of course he was raring to go and took full advantage. Later when everything came to light and I pointed out that I was trying to "do better" (sad) he did the whole "too little too late" thing. Funny he didn't say that at the time!!

I also think it's important to note... when me and H first started seeing each other, I found a DVD in his house of him and another woman. Obviously it was traumatizing to see and we talked at length about how uncomfortable I was that he still had this, why he still had it, that I was uncertain of whether he'd be happy with me because I wasn't "that kind of girl" who would make home movies (and act super p0rn star about it like this girl did). He reassured me that it wasn't like that and he would get rid of it..

AND THEN I found he still had it a little while later, so I confronted him AGAIN super POed and he made some excuse about how he was going to give it to her to keep and I was like WTF?? No! He got really upset that I was so upset and broke it into pieces in front of me in the trash. I felt he was genuine and just a dumb guy that didn't get why it was a big deal, so after that I was satisfied.

Probably for a few years after that it was hard to get out of my head. I would always wonder how I was comparing, etc. (because how can you not when you've literally seen your SO with someone else). It eventually became less of a thing for me and I got to a point where I didn't really think about it except on occasion.

Man, I've really put up with/gotten through a lot from my H since day 1. I've always known it but writing it out just solidifies it. I can't really think of anything I've done as bad as some of things I've had to get through with him. I'm sure I'm frustrating on many days but the level of commitment and resilience I've had to have with him is actually amazing. And highlights how sad it is that he can't see how much love and loyalty is there. I know at one point he recognized it (like earlier on when he really was trying to solidify our relationship) and was happy I "gave him a chance" (he wrote this to me many times in letters), but that A amnesia must be strong stuff..

I was almost going to say that I hope I'm not masking my own stupidity as loyalty. But I refuse to be that hard on myself. Maybe other people would have saw that as a red flag and ran but I believed my H really cared for me and ultimately he did all the right things to where I thought continuing on with him was reasonable (I didn't make it easy either), and there was nothing that continued after that initial rough start that was concerning. It was like once we both realized we were serious about each other, we were good.

Anyway I've been holed up all weekend with the flu I'm pretty sure. Everyone on my trip was getting sick toward the end. Had a temp last night of 100.1 and my head is killing me, so just sitting here trying to stay comfortable, watching a little football (in small doses so it doesn't remind me too much of H) and trying to prep for a new work week tomorrow after vaca AND flu... ugh.