Definition and Guidelines for Piecing

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Guidelines for Piecing: (From the viewpoint of a recovered WS)

(WAS, WS, & MLCS will be referred ti as the recovering spouse.)

1. Do not try to go through the piecing process without some type of guidance and support system from unbiased, experienced, sources. A mature and trusted friend/relative, a pro-marriage support group, and the DB board can be your biggest supporters. Allow the pro-marriage professionals and the experienced to teach you. Attend therapy, seek spiritual healing, read books, attend marriage seminars, enroll in marriage healing programs, etc. If there has been abuse, infidelity, addictions, MLC, or some other issue of this magnitude, continue to seek help from professional sources, other than blindly feeling your way. You will also need a source of encouragement and motivation throughout the piecing process. Avoid anyone who does not support your marriage and may express negative opinions, If either spouse has previously spent time with “new friends” who were younger, single or divorced, s/he should discontinue these friendships, if the betrayed spouse feels those new acquaintances encouraged divorce and/or inappropriate behavior.

2. Do not allow negative emotions to direct your interactions with your spouse. Have a go-to plan that tells you what to do when you suddenly experience feelings of insecurities, suspicions, or anger. Piecing is tough…..and emotional. Have a plan as what to do when these emotions overwhelm you.

3. You and your spouse need a code that indicates you are experiencing triggers of high anxiety. This code alerts the other spouse what to do, until you are completely calm. You need to have a plan, in advance, that directs you in how to calm your emotions. Your therapist may suggest something, or you may read how to do it, or perhaps you already know what works. Your spouse must agree to respect the plan.

4. Do not act sullen, cold, irritable, resentful, moody, or pouty if you are not receiving the amount of emotional support, affection, sex, attention, cooperation, or quality time with your spouse. These old behavior patterns must stop, and new healthy methods must be exercised when expressing your needs. This is especially needed when you are expressing how you aren’t satisfied with something in the relationship.

5. Do not allow fear, resentment, suspicion, jealousy, and other negative emotions to take up residency in your head/heart. Both spouses will experience different feelings at different time. Don’t expect your spouse to know how you feel. Don’t expect your spouse to experience the same feelings as you have. Don’t get angry if your spouse doesn’t understand why you still experience certain emotions after any given amount of time in the piecing process. Don’t build walls between you. Each spouse will go through her/his emotional struggles, and perhaps at separate times. Discuss these feelings in therapy sessions. If you can calmly discuss your feelings with your spouse, then do so, as long as it doesn’t lead to more anxiety between the two of you.

6. Piecing is a process. Sometimes it can be painful and stressful. The couple should learn and practice healthy relationship skills, and learn how to address topics without it leading to a quarrel or tears. The LBS may think s/he is the only one with sensitive feelings, or who has the right to feel resentment, pain, unforgiveness, etc. S/he may think the WS should be grateful for having another chance, and therefore, be compassionate, patient, loving, and cooperative in helping speed the healing for the LBS. However, it’s not always that easy for the recovering spouse. The recovering spouse may be experiencing much guilt and struggle with feeling the weight of the fallout s/he caused. The recovering spouse may have inner issues s/he has to work through, and it leaves them appearing insensitive or uncaring at times. Each spouse has her/his own brand of pain that can cloud her/his vision when looking at the other spouse.

7. Each spouse has her/his own issues to work out. The two spouses are on a different time table from each other. Each one will deal with intruding negative emotions, discouragement, and have issues to resolve. Often times, the LBS does not process the anger that was buried under the pain, until the piecing period begins. If the recovering spouse doesn’t know to expect periods of delayed anger in the LBS, s/he may not respond very well. The recovering spouse thinks s/he made the decision to do the right thing and trying to cooperate……just to become a target for the LBS’s anger, suspicion, jealousy, or whatever. So, it’s never just one spouse struggling to get through the piecing process. Couples who do not have professional therapy and a follow up program to keep them on track, are not likely to have as successful results. Piecing is always harder than expected.

8. When interacting with your spouse, be careful when you feel anxious, tired, and discouraged due to slow progress in piecing. This is when it is easy to say something careless and negative. Do not apply emotional pressure to coax your spouse into putting forth more effort or progressing at a faster rate than seems apparent to you. It’s good to encourage and support, but don’t let your frustrations get out of hand and start pressing your spouse too hard. Don’t verbally judge or guilt your spouse in order to get some type of response. Don’t have a punitive attitude with your spouse. Don’t make snide remarks about things that happened in the past. Don’t fall into the blame game. Your discouragement or concerns need to be addressed in therapy sessions, preferably. If not in therapy, then wait until you can approach your spouse in a calm, loving, supportive and positive manner.

9. It takes two to piece. While both of you are piecing together, your work and the work of your spouse may not look the same. You and your spouse may not progress at the same speed. That is okay, as long as some progress is being made in the relationship. The LBS makes a lot of self improvements after the bomb drop. However, the recovering spouse may not have made personal changes. Most of her/his work was centered on ending an affair and getting through the withdrawals of addiction. That means the LBS begins the piecing process more advanced in terms of personal growth, than the recovering spouse.Remember the recovering spouse has a lot of work to do within her/his heart. The recovering spouse may commit to saving the M, before s/he actually starts making a lot of personal improvements (in some cases, not all). The recovering spouse may not display excitement or energy toward reconciling/piecing, in the way the LBS does. It’s as if the recovering spouse is in an emotional transition. The LBS will need patience when seeing ther recovering spouse go through a period of depression. In fact, depression often follows ending an affair, and romantic feelings for her/his LBS may not come immediately. That’s not to say that the recovering spouse is not currently doing her/his best, and making the right decisions based on her/his moral and spiritual belief system. Some of the initial work from the recovering spouse will be in the form of just not doing previous actions. Certain feelings may not bounce back as quickly as hoped. It takes time.

10. In cases where trust was violated, have a transparency plan in operation, so that activities of a recovering spouse can be verified. If you are the LBS, avoid methods that cause your spouse to see you as their Judge, executioner, or parent. Do not act holier than thou when verifying activities. Transparency should be a joint operation where the recovering spouse can give an account for her/his activities. If there is a breach, then it can be addressed, but it is not necessary to go through some elaborate guilt ridden display every time you decide to check your spouse’s phone messages. As long as you have their agreement and cooperation before you ever start the piecing process, then you don’t have to drill the spouse with questions or make a big issue out of verifying. You should have access to your spouse’s phone, computer, etc. Don’t announce to your spouse when you want to look at her/his messages. You should be able to look any time. Don’t wait for the recovering spouse to use the password before letting you see the messages. (That’s a big red flag, when they don’t want to give you passwords.) Don’t ask the spouse to go get the phone and bring to you whereby giving them time to delete something. (Another big red flag.) Don’t have a set time or routine when you check. In time, if there is no damaging or suspicious evidence, you can verify your spouse’s activity occasionally, and gradually taper off.

Transparency is for the spouse who betrayed, cheated, lied, deceived, etc. It is not for the faithful spouse who was betrayed. The transparency plan helps a recovering spouse stay on course, and it is a record by which helps to verify that the spouse is not engaging in secret, inappropriate messaging. It is not a foolproof method, but it can assist in reestablishing trust in the MR. For the recovering spouse who is authentic in wanting to end the affair and atone for past actions, it helps to stay on the straight & narrow road when the the other spouse has free access for viewing the incoming and outgoing messages. Of course, if the recovering spouse wants to cheat, a way will be found.

If you are the LBS and have strong suspicions your spouse is hiding something, and the transparency plan does not indicate the spouse has broken the NC rule, then decide if you want to obtain other means of Intel to settle your suspicions. Don’t become obsessed in daily spying or snooping. Don’t make accusations or drill your spouse with questions. Don’t follow your spouse around in the house, as if you are trying to catch her/him making contact with OP. Rely upon your sources of Intel, and consider getting some type of Intel method the recovering spouse doesn’t know. The recovering spouse agreed to transparency, and if you feel it is not being honored, then you need to decide how to settle it. Successful piecing will not come where there are current secret friendships and hidden contacts from a spouse who has previously betrayed you.


11. Do not smother your spouse with persistent attention if s/he has requested some space. It does not necessarily indicate s/he is being secretive, but is only adjusting to being back together in a close, intimate relationship with you. Sometimes s/he just needs a little breathing room.
If the spouse has recently been in an affair, s/he should not spend periods of time behind closed doors alone on the phone or computer. The phone should not be taken into the bathroom.

12. Do not drill questions, or accuse your spouse of previous behavior when you are emotionally upset. Making accusations without proof will only lead to more mistrust, and could end the piecing process altogether. Seek guidance from your therapist in how to approach this in a calm, productive, non-threatening manner.

13. Although you may be calm in your approach….do not routinely question the spouse if s/he has been in contact or gone anywhere near the former AP. To routinely or frequently question the recovering spouse in regards to the AP does not encourage her/him to stay faithful to his/her word. It can, in fact, cause the recovering process to slow down, backslide, or come to a halt. It is very discouraging to constantly remind the recovering spouse of her/his past transgressions, when that spouse is striving to recover from an affair and has committed to saving the marriage. If you are having trouble believing your spouse, then it should be addressed in therapy and allow the therapist to guide.

14. When your spouse contacts you, respond as soon as possible. Initiating contact with your spouse is fine. Don’t be a pest or hound your spouse, but you are permitted to initiate contact.

15. Focus on keeping a light and calm atmosphere at home. Plan for an enjoyable, relaxed, and fun filled time whenever you and your spouse share an evening at home with the kids, or take a day for family activities. While relaxing and watching TV, avoid movies about adultery, abuse, domestic violence, and any themes that might hit too close to home and trigger negative emotions. Avoid depressing shows. There will a place and time to discuss serious issues, without using a movie or show as your template.

16. The couple should share the marital bedroom. The couple doesn’t have to engage in sex right away, but they do need to come together and share the same bed. If either spouse has intimacy issues, or there has been a history of SSM, then seek therapy. This should be a requirement upon reconciling the marriage; that the couple or spouse with the intimacy issues will attend therapy. You should not agree to settle, indefinitely, for a marriage without intimacy.

17. If your spouse is recovering from an affair, then don’t try to push her/him into a romantic setting too quickly. If your spouse is not ready to engage in sex yet, then don’t intentionally try to set the mood by decorating the bedroom with lighted candles, a trail of rose pedals leading to the bed, and have soft romantic music playing in the background. That may be a bit too much at first. Exercise lots of patience with the spouse who may have intimacy problems. Give it time. If the LBS is the one having the intimacy issues, it may take time and counseling in order to feel comfortable having sex with the recovering spouse. In the meantime, there are other ways to bring a sense of closeness to your spouse. Use his/her love language; practice listening skills while looking in her/his eyes; validate, be attentive and spend one on one time with your spouse every day. Don’t forget to stay attractive.

18. Initially, your spouse may feel uncomfortable having long evenings or weekends with just the two of you alone together. It may be difficult to find something to talk about, other than the MR……and you don’t want to discuss it all the time. Periods of long silences may feel deafening to a couple recently finding their way back from an ugly place. Therefore, you may need to have some activities that include having other people around you. Invite neighbors and friends to a cookout; attend a community event; participate in outdoor activities, whatever takes you out of a confined space.

19. Perhaps your spouse was previously in an affair, and s/he would stay overnight away from home, take weekend trips without you, have a girl’s night or guys night out, or whatever excuse s/he could find to stay away from home. If this was the case, then there should be an agreement that will be no more nights spent with a friend because the spouse was too drunk to drive home (or whatever their excuse). There should be no Girls Gone Wild type of activities. There should be no weekend trips with one spouse left behind. This is a pattern often seen in a WS or MLCS. In order to establish peace and tranquility, and build a trusting relationship, there should be no nights where the couple sleeps apart…….for as long as the betrayed spouse feels it is necessary. It’s not only for the sake of the LBS, but for the recovering spouse’s sake, as well. The recovering spouse has to get their moral compass working properly, before they can be trusted to engage in activities that could be prove to be too tempting and throw them off track again. When wounds are healed and the betrayed spouse feels comfortable with the recovering wayward spouse having a night out alone with friends, then that is for the couple to determine.

Note: In cases where a spouse’s employment requires them to travel, the couple will need to work something out to establish boundaries lines, transparency, etc. .

20. If your family and close friends are aware of your spouse’s recent affair, then your spouse may feel very uncomfortable in their company. Your family and friends may find it awkward. as well. Be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, and don’t invite your family and friends to visit without checking with your spouse, first. Don’t rush it, and don’t push your family and your spouse together too quickly.

21. Learn your spouse’s love language, and communicate your love in that language. Several books have been written on this subject, and can be an eye opening experience for the reader.

22. Learn the emotional needs of your spouse. Don’t be afraid to ask, but as always, make sure the timing is right for this subject of conversation. Remember, women are bad to speak in codes, so if you aren’t sure what she’s really saying…..just tell her.

23. Schedule dates with your spouse. Initially, you need to focus on just having a good time together, and don’t give the impression you expect it to lead to sex. Don’t pressure your spouse with obvious romantic type dates, unless your spouse has stated s/he is ready to be romanced. Otherwise, give it time and gradually work toward the more romantic type of dating. Don’t do the same thing and go to the same place for every date night. Surprise your spouse with some inexpensive treat or gift (especially if it is the spouse’s love language). The point is to keep the ideas fresh and don’t fall into a rut of the same old thing. Don’t forget holidays and other special events throughout the year. Go the extra mile and put effort into making the event special for your spouse. Remember their love language during these special times.

24. When you come home, don’t wait to see if your spouse is going to speak first. Initiate a warm, upbeat greeting. You can initiate a light kiss on the cheek or lips…..depending on the level of physical affection the two of you are showing when entering the piecing stage, If your spouse seems to be in a bad mood, don’t ignore it. Gently show your concern and apply the validation skills you learned on the DB board. If you have NGS, you will need to be careful not to fall back into some of those habits of trying to appease your spouse, or base everything around their moods. Stay balanced.

25. You can initiate light conversation upon arriving home. Show you are interested in your spouse’s day. Don’t immediately get off into talking about the relationship. Don’t forget to validate whenever you have the opportunity. As you go through the evening, conduct yourself in a positive manner. Do your share of the chores, and give proper attention to the children. The laughter of children is music to the ears of parents.

26. Initiate non-sexual touches throughout the day/evening. Focus on non-sexual touches in the early stage of piecing. If intimacy in the MR has been strained, then don’t test the waters by touching your spouse sexually right away. Give your spouse time to become comfortable with non-sexual touching. In time, the sexual touching can gradually start. Never stop giving non-sexual touching, even after the sexual touches are welcomed.

27. Couples who are not working separate shifts and are home at bedtime, should have the same bedtime, rather than separate times. This gives the couple time to snuggle, have pillow talk, have sex….or just read a book, but they are going to bed together at the same time. This closeness forms a bond, a healthy pattern in the relationship, and encourages intimacy. Going to bed at separate times, is a bad habit and unhealthy for a MR that has suffered from intimacy problems. One spouse should not try to stay up and wait on the other spouse to fall asleep.

28. You can initiate saying, “I love you”, if your spouse doesn’t show signs of discomfort or awkwardness. Don’t say it just to get a response from your spouse. If your spouse is still a little cool and her/his feelings have not caught up to yours, then you shouldn’t continue saying ILY over & over. Don’t say more than once a day in the very beginning of piecing. Don’t make it dramatic or heavy. Keep it light, and if your spouse doesn’t say ILY back, don’t react….just let it go. You can say ILY either when departing for work, or before going to sleep. Don’t say it every time you talk to your spouse on the phone, or any of those types of habits, because it does feel like emotional pressure. These verbal expressions of love need to come little by little, and with your spouse responding likewise.

29. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. This does not stop just because the marriage has been reconciled.

30. Continue to take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

31. Continue to GAL. You can be more transparent about your activities, whereabouts, and the time you will return. Don’t leave your spouse alone too much, initially. Your spouse will probably welcome some space of her/his own, however, while they are going through withdrawals of addiction……don’t leave them alone for long periods of time or too often. This is just while they are recovering. They need a lot of support while going through withdrawals. Invite your spouse to join you in some of your GAL activities. Do take some time just for you.

32. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, in order to avoid a fight. When you are with spouse/children and you suddenly feel tears
coming, go to the bathroom or some place that you can cry in private.

33. Continue working on your personal improvements. You have wanted to show your spouse the changes you’ve made, and how you can be a better W/H. This is the time to do it. Don’t get lazy and fall back into old habits.

33. Have a set time once a week for you and your spouse to discuss the relationship. Talk about your feelings, struggles, etc. Try not to make accusatory statements. Set short term goals for you to work on as a team. Discuss any new material either of you have read, or new books you may choose to read. This time could be used to watch YouTube videos on subjects pertaining to marriage.

34. When the family has come together in the evening, and your spouse appears to be having an exceptional rough time of it (emotional, tense, irritable with the kids, etc.) suggest that your spouse take a break, while you watch the kids, or attend to whatever needs doing. This should not become a habit, b/c you aren’t there to rescue your spouse. However, if you see your spouse is truly distressed and needs a break, then show support by offering a little break. Space and time alone can help, b/c piecing is tough for both spouses. If you have a wife who has been somewhat spoiled by your nice guy ways, and your quick willingness to do her work, then you will have to be extra cautious not to fall back into that pattern.

35. You can compliment your spouse about anything. Whatever you can do to lift her/his spirit, then do it. Be a source of love, warmth and encouragement. It won’t hurt to give your spouse a little ego food. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need, too. Just do it when the timing and emotions are good.