Definition and Guidelines for Piecing

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1. What is the difference in Reconciling and Piecing?

Reconciling means to reunite or the coming back together on agreeable terms after a physical or emotional breakup. It may be the result following an indefinite period of time, where the couple will meet together to talk. They may choose to get counseling or family therapy, before making the step to live together as man and wife. They may date, take trips together, be intimate with one another, and go out as a family with the children. They are testing the waters to see if they want to give their full commitment to one another and to the work of saving their marriage. Both parties must feel free to make their own decision. Their marital status does not change to piecing, until both spouses have made it clear that they desire to live together as man & wife, and do whatever is necessary to save their marriage. There should be no guess work about where the other spouse stands.

Piecing is that period of time following the reconciliation where the couple are both committed to give their very best efforts in making adjustments & improvements in order to have the type of MR they both desire. It's a period of time where they are devoted to learning how to harmonize together for the betterment of their MR/family, after there has been a severe breach of trust or threat to the welfare of the MR and family unit. During the piecing stage, they will feel tested by old habits, old behaviors, hurts, fear, old & new problems within the family, and the pressures of dealing with everyday life. This period will be a time to heal as a couple, and as a family. The couple will seek and develop skills to use toward the health and growth of their relationship. They may seek marriage/family therapy; attend marriage seminars; follow-up marriage programs; seek guidance from their spiritual leader, etc. They will need something to keep them on track as they weather piecing their marriage back together again.

2. How will I know if we are ready for Piecing?

First, there must be a clear commitment from both spouses. Evasive statements from the spouse who originally wanted out of the marriage, should not be acceptable. The spouse who broke the trust in the MR, should take responsibility for her/his actions, and should apologize to the betrayed spouse. The wayward spouse should agree to the terms of the betrayed spouse (NC with AP, transparency, sleeping in the MBR, MC, etc.). Each spouse should know without any doubt where the other one stands. Both spouses desire to save the M, and are willing to cooperate in doing whatever
it takes to achieve a secure, loving, healthy, and happy relationship. Any action toward getting a divorce has ceased. All talks or threats of ending the M have stopped.

3. Must we be living together in order to be Piecing?

In order to be piecing in the truest sense, the couple would need to be living together in the same house, sharing the same bed, and going about their daily lives together. They can take all the time they need before making the move to live together as man & wife. However, piecing begins at that starting line, b/c that is when they begin living as a family and dealing with the pressures that come from being united under the same roof, sharing the same bedroom, and restoring health to their MR. If a spouse is hesitant or evasive about commitment, or is not willing to cooperate with the betrayed spouse’s terms, then they aren’t ready for piecing. Piecing is working together to put their MR back together, while living as a married couple. It is learn how deal with the fallout from the actions of a wayward spouse; a MLC; a walk-away spouse; or a SSM. They must heal and grow as a couple and a family. Piecing offers that opportunity for introducing healthier methods of addressing old and new issues, in spite of the everyday stress that life throw their way. They have to be united as a couple, in order to piece.

Note: Whenever a couple has been physically separated due to severe trauma in the relationship or family unit, then they may need to attend therapy before making the physical move to live under the same roof. Some cases may require extended therapy, in order to get healing and make emotional preparations to unite the family again. In such cases, a professional therapist should recommend when the family is emotionally ready to live together again. This may require a slower process where the couple and their children gradually increase spending time together, before officially permanently residing under one roof. The more severe and/or complicated the problems, the tougher piecing will be for them. The more healthy the family when moving back together, the better the piecing experience will be for them.

4. What if only one spouse is ready to piece the marriage back together, but the other spouse isn't sure?

The couple can’t piece until there is reconciliation. Piecing is hard. It takes commitment and cooperation from both spouses. Each spouse must be in agreement about saving their marriage. If one spouse is not on board 100%, it will make the piecing period very difficult for the other spouse. One spouse can only do her/his share of work. S/he cannot do the other spouse’s work.

5. Can we piece the marriage back together after an affair?

Yes! However, there can be no active affair of any type, going into the piecing stage. All contact with the affair partner must cease and the wayward spouse must cooperate in being transparent about all activities. The wayward spouse should comply with the stipulations the betrayed spouse has for reconciling. If the betrayed spouse feels the wayward spouse is cooperating and is sincere in committing to saving the marriage, then they can work together in piecing the marriage back together.

6. Can we piece if we are staying in separate bedrooms?

If the reason for sleeping in separate rooms is the result of marital dispute, or a spouse is avoiding intimacy, or some other excuse, then the couple should reconcile these differences first. If the relationship has suffered from a sexually starved marriage or other intimate problems, then the couple should agree to seek therapy and try to resolve the problem. The couple is not required to have sex, but they should at least sleep in the same bed. If they cannot come together and agree about the sleeping arrangements, it will be very difficult to proceed in piecing. The couple would need to make a decision as to what works for them, and commit to progressing toward bringing them back together as one. There has to be harmony in order to piece.

7. If we are currently in-house separated, can one spouse work to piece the marriage back together?

No, because there must be a “coming back together” (reconciliation) and a commitment from each spouse to save the marriage. It takes the cooperation and effort of both spouses in order to piece.

8. My spouse wants to wait and see how things go before committing to the marriage. Can I piece alone?

If the hesitant spouse does not feel ready to commit to saving the marriage, then look at the cause/reason. Does that spouse want to seek individual therapy, before making that decision? Does the spouse want a period to test the waters, before making a commitment to save the marriage…..due to previous domestic violence or whatever? Has that spouse been in an affair, and is not sure about her/his feelings? These are things that can put piecing on hold, until that spouse can make a decision. Until both spouses are ready to fully commit to doing the necessary work in order to save their marriage, then they are not considered to be really piecing. There are some cases where the couple has to take other steps, before they are ready for piecing. In cases of drug or alcohol addiction, the non-addicted spouse may need to see some type evidence that the addicted spouse is getting the appropriate help needed…….before deciding to commit to working with them in a marriage.

It may take some couples several weeks or months of working toward a full reconciliation. That means they come together in a friendly manner. It doesn’t mean all their problems have to be resolved in order for them to reconcile. That decision is up to the couple. At some point, however, there should be a clear decision to either commit to save the marriage, or not piecing requires the commitment, cooperation, and participation of both spouses, in order to achieve satisfactory results. Coming back from a place of raw pain, resentment, infidelity, breach of trust, addiction, etc., is more difficult than many people may realize….until they actually begin the piecing process. There has to be willingness and dedication from both parties. Piecing is like taking two separate scrapes of fabric and stitching them together to become one piece. Think of it like making a quilt top for the bed. This is why both spouses should be honest, faithful, cooperative, and committed to the process of achieving the marriage relationship they both desire.

9. How long does piecing last?

(Copied from Jack Three Beans): “Piecing is when both parties are (or say they are) committed to working on the relationship and even then? Give it a few weeks or months to see if that is true”. (Copied from Cadet): “Or even longer”.

10. Are the 37 rules applicable to piecing?

The 37 rules (or as some call them, “the 180”) were designed for the person who had recently experienced the bomb drop (or discovered an affair) and had no idea what they should do or not do. They did not know how to interact with the spouse who wanted out of the marriage. Many of those rules guide the LBS in stepping back, instead of engaging and/or pursuing the other spouse. They help the LBS to emotionally detach from the drama of the spouse who wants out of the MR. Once the marriage has been reconciled, then the couple leaves that initial stage they find themselves at the point of the bomb drop or the discovery of infidelity.