After 7 months of separation / walk out and self reflection, I've realised that not only is my 27 year marriage dead but I actually have no desire to start a new relationship with this man. Much of the hurt has subsided although I remain disappointed that having created this s*it storm, he still remains unable to do the decent thing and wrap it up amicably and efficiently. But ....I am happier without him. I have moments of self doubt because I was so entwined with this person emotionally, practically and financially, but for the most part I look forward to a future without him. I no longer consider him my H, just a man I used to be married to.
GAL has meant making new friends, reconnecting with old friends and accepting that I might need help sometimes. But, and this is a revelation to me; people are happy and willing to help ME.
I realise that I'll never be alone as I have true friends and my 3 wonderful children ; they will always be my greatest achievement. But I need more now because they are grown. I will look back with good memories of a marriage that worked at the time because he wanted to be a provider / hero and I wanted to bring up these boys. We now want different things and when I'm truthful, I know we cannot provide that for each other.
What a shame that we didn't have an honest discussion 4 or 5 years ago and he has caused hurt to so many people, but the fact that he spent the last 2 years setting up a new life instead of dealing with his real one, is all on him and an indication of his character. I find moments of feeling sorry for OW because she must have low self esteem / be so desperate for a man that she is accepting a life with a man who can act in this way. She really should know better with 2 marriages behind her. Those poor little girls. But they're are not my problem.
So, having considered a D vs a legal separation, I will file for D. I'm just waiting for him to provide some financial information before I decide if I need a lawyer or if we can agree without. The Ls advice is for me to sort out the financials sooner rather than later as things do seem to be on a downward spiral for him financially. I may decide to take a financial hit in order to extricate myself sooner.
Would I be in this place without this forum and DB? I doubt it. I would still be doing the 'pick me dance' with constant texts and calls to see how he is doing etc etc. The day I said 'I'm not performing in your circus anymore' and went true NC was the day I started to heal and see things clearly. It enabled me to see myself as a living and breathing person separate from this man. It made me think about who I was and what I wanted.
So, I may technically be a 'failure' in DB terms, but I feel like an absolute winner. I know what a healthy R should feel look like and I'm not prepared to settle for less.
Should I have waited longer. Maybe, but the strength I have found and the self knowledge mean that this is the right time for me.
