I was W biggest cheerleader and encouraged and helped her get as far as she has in her career. (She deserves the credit because she is awesome at her job, but she may have never taken the leap without my support or help).
We wouldn’t have moved out to Cali if I didn’t agree that she should take her initial job with the Feds. Admittedly, it took me a bit longer than I should have to become her cheerleader at work, but in time I came around to supporting the demands that her career entailed (I still with the phrase ‘making her career a / the priority’, and I also struggled with her wanting to be away from work so often for weeks or months with a very young child and me starting a challenging new career as a teacher—seriously, wouldn’t wish the first year of teaching on anyone.) She is good at her work (or at least she tells me), and she has admitted that she feels that this is what she is meant to do with her life, at least career-wise.
Originally Posted by Twofeet
My point is it doesn't do a d@mn bit of good worrying about it. Some people have it easier than others, it is what it is. Maybe look at your R and determine if what you did was ever reciprocated. If not maybe that's on you for not recognizing it.
I do appreciate the validation and affirmation, but you’re also right in the sense that I just need to drink a big tall glass of STFU towards myself about this. I shouldn’t play the victim card—rather, I need to create the best life possible (present and future) for me and the boys.
When looking at the R, I don’t believe much of my giving was reciprocated. I think 50% of that would be on me; when I say that, I say that with the idea that my spouse should also give in kind and make sacrifices for the other when able to.
However, I am starting to realize where I went wrong—that a good amount of the time I was giving (especially for her career), it was with the expectation that she should do the same. Most of the time this was a covert contract—but sometimes I tried spelling it out for her, but I’m not sure how much she picked it up anyway. I did try making my needs known to her, but they didn’t always get met. In any case, that is something I will stop doing—stop giving with the expectation that W will do the same. Any sort of giving for her will be as truly from the heart as I can.
In one respect, I am glad that I didn’t have that expectation towards her, and that was in providing for my retirement. Luckily, I’ve been putting $$$ aside in my current employee pension / 403b—I knew that in this respect I needed to start providing for myself, and that I couldn’t / didn’t want to wait until things were finally ‘financially stable enough’ that I could start to do so (because that would be like waiting for Godot), and I rather just did it (65-year-old Bo hopefully will thank 35-year-old Bo). One of the better decisions I made, but I think in light of what the next few months may bring, I’ll ramp down my contributions a bit to give myself some more breathing room monetarily.
What I hope, from W 2.0 or in my next relationship, is that I can be with a woman with whom I can be more ‘equally yoked’ spiritually, but also more ‘equally yoked’ emotionally and more on the same page and more attentive to each others’ needs.
What I need, what I want, what I deserve is a woman who can share herself and her life like I want to give to her.
