I owe so many responses from December 18th and 19th. I can't believe it's taken so long. Below I'll do my best to address all your kind and generous messages from those days:
Joe - It's good to hear divorce was a relief for you. I hope I find it to be the same assuming everything continues as it's been going.
Adam - I really want to visit your thread and post on it. I'll make it a priority! Thanks for your encouragement. Regarding long distance relationships - when I met my husband I was living in his country so it wasn't long distance at that time. The guy at the office actually lives in the UK and I live in the US. He moved from the UK back to his home country in Europe so we never worked in the same office, but I'll be visiting his home country in a few months so I'll see him then. I don't plan to date him or pursue a relationship but I just wish to enjoy having dinner with him one night because he's really great. It's true though. If I wanted to pursue a new relationship it should be a local one because I can't take such a big risk to move somewhere far away with my daughter, or sponsor someone to come here, because too much is at stake now.
Manta - thanks for your warm message!
Neffer - thanks for your encouragement!
Lonewlf - The holidays are really hard. I can't imagine how hard it was for you if your met your wife during Christmas. Did you hear from her at all over the holidays? I also hope for peace as well for you and everyone here.
Maika - Thanks for taking the time to write all that! Regarding reclaiming myself vs. saving the marriage. It's a balancing act. There are legitimate mistakes I've made and negative aspects to my personality that I've been trying to fix, and will continue to do so, and they serve somewhat of a dual purpose including becoming a better person in case the marriage can be saved and reclaiming myself as well. I find it hard to grasp the issue of 'reclaiming myself' because I don't really feel like I was a different person in the marriage vs. out. I've always been kind of the same in terms of beliefs, work ethic, personality, social life, etc.. I think I need to understand it better and try to differentiate. I'll give it more thought. I guess the part where I get stuck is that my views about marriage are strong and I have a deep conviction towards working through temporary hardships in order to achieve success in the long term. I therefore might have a harder time giving up on a marriage where I'm quite sure my husband will realize the mistake he's making at some point, but I've tried to let go and re-start my life while leaving the door open to fixing the marriage even when I feel at times it's too hard. About my religious beliefs - first I think that must have been really hard for you to leave your religious community! It's true that religious communities are formed based on a common belief and if you no longer buy into that belief then you may not be able to stay. Just out of curiosity, have you found a new religious belief? About mine - I grew up in a rather liberal denomination of Christianity but in a part of the US that is conservative and even radical in their life styles. I believe Jim is from the same place where I grew up so he might understand. As I became a teenager I became quite radical and conservative in my beliefs to the point where it was clear in my mind where my career would take me and what I wanted to do in life. I didn't date and I was focused on the mission I wanted to pursue. Members of my family tried to tell me to loosen up but at that time it didn't change much. In college I found Islam to challenge my faith because of its conservative nature, similarities to Christianity, and the lifestyle it entailed. I was intrigued and I began going to the mosque and talking with a lot of Muslims. My career then took me to the Middle East where I had an opportunity to really compare and contrast the two faiths. Ultimately in one country where I lived there was a spiritual leader that I began to follow and to this day I seek his teachings. He was nominated for a nobel peace prize and he's the person in this world I most admire (I never met him though). Around the time I began following him I met my husband who was also a follower....I can't say I ever 100% switched religions but I found Islam with all its rules for how to live, the way it connects to science and commands its followers to worship God alone, etc... to be an excellent fit for my conservative values and a path towards going deeper spiritually and finding greater contentment than the somewhat superficial practice of Christianity that I experienced in the US. So it's not that my religious views changed based on meeting my husband but more that he fit into my views. He was interested in Christianity and we found ourselves to be a unique fit for one another because we were both looking outside of our original faiths, wanted to learn more, and could offer one another a window into the other faith. Since that time I've been a blend of two faiths and I'd really like to be one or the other but I can't, with total conviction, choose. I've been participating in a different denomination of Islam more recently but I was also attending a church where I learned a lot. I think my anxiety comes from being in religious limbo just like being in marriage limbo! About my beliefs being tied to being part of a community - I don't think that's the case because I've wandered in-and-out of several communities and I'll probably end up wherever my beliefs align best and not based on any kind of need. I do, however, recommend to anyone the option of participating in a religious community when going through a hard time because it helps us to look beyond ourselves and our own feelings and connect with something greater and universal. I don't want to write another novel so I'll try to touch on your other points. I think my lack of confidence comes from having shifted my belief systems and view points at several junctures in my life and not having a strong enough conviction that I've figured everything out and know what I need to know. There is so much we'll never be able to know. I need to synthesize everything and form some conclusion but I've been trying to do this for such a long time that I think I've lost confidence in my ability to make decisions. There's also the confidence issue related to my husband leaving me for younger, more attractive women and the hurt that comes with the person you love leaving so easily for someone else after what seemed like a strong marriage. I don't feel as though a partnership is any kind of escape strategy in my case, or that my happiness is dependent on a partnership, but rather that I thought what I had with my husband was so unique and so tailored to the way I am and the way he is that we were a perfect match. Obviously we were not, but for a while it seemed like we were. I'm such a complicated person and I don't feel like I fit in with Western society. It's so easy to date and sleep with someone and have an affair and get divorced here. I guess my family values are very strong and strict, however I'll comment more on this at the end. About being co-dependent - honestly I don't know. I think we may have different views on what co-dependency is in this group. In the general sense I think we're designed to be co-dependent and that marriage is a form a co-dependency where we depend on someone else and they depend on us for many (but not all) of our needs. As I understand co-dependency in the clinical sense is a problem when someone is enabling someone else's drug addiction or when someone feels the need to help someone else who doesn't help them in return. At the end-of-the-day that's kind of what my husband did although for about seven years it felt like a healthy marriage and partnership where we had our own lives yet we were blended together in so many other ways. We helped one another a lot. This is all a new thing with my husband becoming a selfish jerk and leaving. He wasn't like that before. Anyway, I'll explore co-dependency further with the next counselor I see to determine if it seems to be an issue. For me I'm not so sure a partnership is a way of self-medicating, because I'd much prefer to be alone than with a partner that's not the right fit, but as mentioned above I thought my husband and I were the right fit and we complimented one another so well, not to mention how we endured a war together and supported one another's careers, had a child together, etc... For me this isn't something I can let go of easily or quickly but I've tried to rebuild my life and go back to being independent since that's really the only good option. In terms of filing for divorce and the LBS taking control and filing, that really is a very personal decision. If you feel comfortable doing it and feel the time is right then that's admirable. In my case I haven't felt that conviction yet, not because I think my husband will wake up tomorrow and want to fix everything he broke but because I just feel morally opposed to it being such an easy way out for so many people. I'll stop there because otherwise I'll just keep writing forever but I really appreciate your analysis and smart questions!
Davide - Thanks for your encouragement. Thankfully there was never any issue over the holidays. My husband stayed with his family. I agree with you about loving oneself and needing to feel that we're at peace with ourselves before we can share life with a partner. When I got married I felt that way, and I felt the marriage would open so many doors towards fulfilling our dreams and creating something bigger that we couldn't create on our own (particularly joint finances, kids, bringing together two cultures, more integrated belief systems, etc..). I broke off an eight year relationship prior to meeting my husband because I felt the guy didn't have the same goals and had too much self-love for himself. There's the danger of loving oneself too much and then the danger of not loving oneself enough! It's interesting to hear your wife is from another country. Perhaps when our spouses get their green cards or citizenship it empowers them and gives them the courage to do whatever they want to do regardless of whether they started out with the plan of leaving us or simply realized there's nothing to make them stay.
Blu - I'm glad we're on good terms! Someday I'll find the time to read the old messages. Yes I will look for the common themes and try to better see DB as part of the bigger picture and part of a process that we'll all go through regardless of what we call it since once we're divorced (by choice or not by choice) we'll have to re-invent ourselves one way or another. I think it's a good roadmap, especially early on right when one partner wants out. I may be a bit more jaded because I've been going through this for years now, including my husband returning and us struggling for another two years before he left again. It's like a long saga and I may be a bit lost in the process because I've seen so many counselors, read so many books, tried so many things, and had patience for so long. My time frame may be different than most but I've already gone through the process of renting my own place, separating all the finances, supporting myself financially, relying on my own support network, etc.. but truthfully I know someday my husband will wake up and come back and it's really a shame that it'll be too late by then, especially for our daughter.
Sia - I agree he needs to be a better father before he can be anything else. There's an innocent child who still loves him and believes he's amazing despite his despicable actions. It's good your husband feels at least a moral responsibility to be there for his kids. And it's true that no culture teaches you to treat your wife and kids bad. In my husband's home country divorce does happen but it's much less common than here.
Bo - thanks for your kind words! I'll keep striving to be a better role model for my daughter. I also like the concept of being queen of the house!
Ovrrnbw, thanks for your holiday wishes. I hope your holidays went well!
All, I will continue again as soon as possible. I will write to PsySara next and I'll share other updates as well. I'm several hours late going to bed already so I'll continue ASAP. Thanks again for all of your time and encouragement. I wish there was a way to meet you all in real life!
