TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[Yail]

I have cycled in and out of feeling the way you do around my own sexuality. I say "sexuality" and not "sex" because I'm coming to realize my own power in framing it that way.

I've been very removed from sex in the past. To varying degrees I've always taken the back seat in that I never owned the fact that I was an active participant. I'm very much the kind of person who lives in my own head (I suspect you are as well), and from an academic/Women's Studies standpoint I too have a lot to say against objectification of bodies. Sex was something that happened in my life, and I was happy about that.

The past few weeks I've really considered and thought about my own sex life, since it is currently non-existent. I realized I never was in the driver's seat with my own desires. Not to say we wouldn't have the "what do you want?" conversations, but most of the time I just came up blank with answers. I didn't have anything specific in mind I was holding back on, but I never allowed myself to fantasize, or dream of anything outside of very specific parameters. I never thought about anyone else except W.

So since I'm in no-sex land, it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks that I am the only one in charge of my own sex life. What was I doing with that power? Nothing! I treated sex like something important and enjoyed - but completely separate from me. That's not how I want to live my life. I want an active and healthy sex life.

So I'm honestly doing reading and research to see what I can do to create my own healthy views and dialogue around the fact that as a human I am a sexual creature. I'm enjoying Emily Nagoski and Dan Savage - to me both feel very authentic and sex-positive.

Regarding the "yucky" feeling. My mind was opened by listening to Dan Savage (the famous sex advice columnist). He has some YouTube videos, but I don't think I'm allowed to specifically link on this forum. In one of them he talks about a Venn Diagram of what each partner wants to do in the bedroom. And if you only ever do what you both WANT to do, you will likely have a small overlap. But if you consider things that you are ambivalent to - but you do them for your partner - reports of sexual and relationship satisfaction go up. This is NOT anything that makes you feel shame, or fear, or anything negative. Just things you would not normally be into. Something to turn around in your brain.

I say this because:

I also think of things like why he didn't put in effort to suggest things to me, like lingerie he would have liked to see me in.

.

So, what did you suggest to him? What was your part of the Venn Diagram that didn't overlap with his? Where was your ownership of your own sex life? It sounds like you are like me - it happens, but what do you feel you have to contribute aside from following your partner's lead?

So to come full circle with what you said, Yail, hopefully whoever the next person is (even if it's H 2.0) will realize the importance of that communication with me and I won't feel so apprehensive about this stuff.

I think you need to as well. I think there are things that you'd really be into that are maybe not identified yet - and they may be subtle! - but you'll have to identify them with words so you can also communicate that to your partner.


Lastly, for fun:

I honestly wondered one day if he even knew my bra size (guys should know that about their Ws right?)

I'm going to go with "no". I have no idea what size W wore. And I doubt she knew mine. I'm a woman, I should be tuned into this stuff! But not a clue. I don't know if most men know their W's sizes. Curious now!