Blue, excellent post. Very well said. I think the only thing I'd add that while working hard on a R is not sexy, it is absolutely essential. Most of us ended up in our sitches because we stopped working on the R. And while I agree we now know this person we're are with is capable of cheating on us, in some respect they didn't cheat on us because we weren't trying anymore. I know that comment will be controversial here, because we often say and I truly believe that nothing justifies adultery. But I hope people understand what I mean. In a way we were no longer together with that person. In my sitch I had allowed MR to get to the point where we were living separate lives. Would this person have cheated on me if we were connected, in sync, and part of each of our lives the way we were early on? I would say no. Is that true in everyone's case? No. But most adultery is a symptom of bigger problems in the marriage.
So the point is that we should never stop working. During limerance that work comes easy. After that in love phase it takes an effort. When we stop trying that is when there is a greater chance of one spouse stepping out of the marriage. I'd recommend anyone that is feeling the way I recently felt to deal with it properly. When I felt that before I allowed it to make me stop trying. To give up. To pull inward. To start behaving as a single person as if I had walked away. That jeopardized my marriage and allowed for a greater chance of infidelity.
This time I handled it differently. I tried to work on me and the MR rather than giving up. I tried to understand why I felt the way I did. I kept up with the self exploration and tried to grow through it. The book I'm reading talks about this in how to affair proof your marriage. And most of it is in self differentiating in healthy ways. I think that fits right in with what you are talking about here. You can't have a healthy marriage until you have a healthy self. That includes addressing your self esteem and dealing with the feelings you have, positive and negative, the right way.
Last edited by Steve85; 01/12/1905:52 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
