TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Thanks SoTorn, I need to be reminded that men like you are out there! I also empathize with being too loyal, apparently. Without sounding arrogant, I do feel like true loyalty is hard to come by and if nothing else, they will come to miss that when they realize most other people have conditions attached to them.

Yail, I think I am half and half when it comes to what you said about the sexuality/nudity thing. When I think about seeing naked men, or even just an attractive man, it definitely does not give me the same anxiety as when there's women around. If anything I keep hyper aware that maybe the person I'm with (like my H) may feel inferior (like I would in his shoes) and thus I try harder not to look or do anything that would give him the impression I care. I don't even like to talk with girlfriends about how hot a guy is if I'm in a relationship at the time. It seems superficial and dumb if I'm not looking for someone new.

That being said, even WITH my H (or anyone I can imagine being intimate with) I do have pretty clear sexual limits. To put it simply, I am pretty traditional. I like being sexy/sexual and pleasing my partner, but I feel "yucky" about anything that's more "experimental" in the bedroom.

I think, after saying this, it may have more to do with objectification? Since I value a deep, loving bond and relationship with someone, anything that makes me feel like something is purely for the sexual pleasure (even if I know that person loves me) feels terrible, whether it's someone admiring someone else from afar or me doing something I'm uncomfortable with in the bedroom just to be "wild" for someone. That does not equal love to me, so it makes me feel bad. This also makes sense because I DETEST p0rn. I cannot stand it if I know my partner watches that stuff. It makes me feel like I'm not enough and I mean, come on, the idea of someone you love watching other people in sexual acts has always been hurtful to me. I also know it causes very real problems in relationships sexually for psychological reasons, and have had both family and friends talk about major issues as a result. So, yeah.

At some point in our M my H got comfortable and sexy time was instigated with very deliberate "signals", and even though he would text me things like "good morning beautiful", other daily/informal affirmations face to face really didn't happen, at least not like they did early on when we were dating. And I didn't feel super bad about that or like he didn't find me attractive anymore, but I don't think he realized how much his continued affirmations would have helped me feel even more comfortable around him sexually.

I also think of things like why he didn't put in effort to suggest things to me, like lingerie he would have liked to see me in. I honestly wondered one day if he even knew my bra size (guys should know that about their Ws right?) Again he never vocalized any specific issue with our sex life, so finding the Victoria's Secret credit card in his wallet from OW (and obviously the fact that he had a PA to begin with) was just another deep blow to my self esteem in an area I was already self conscious about where I figured okay, maybe I'm not enough for him.

I DID always make sure we were "engaging" because I knew at the very least I did not want him to go without, so we absolutely did not have a sexless marriage. It just wasn't "wild and crazy" like I'm sure OW tries to be (her XBF seemed to validate that she tries hard to get that kind of attention) Although P.S. VS is super basic and overhyped in my opinion...there is much better quality stuff elsewhere, but it's the "cool" brand... if you're a teenage girl (sorry to any other ladies here who may like it haha).

As with the rest of our M, I feel in the dark about what he really wants since he has not communicated well with me on anything, except to now say he wasn't happy. And this is why I feel like some of the "problems" he saw could be so easily addressed, if he could just fix his bigger problem of communicating clearly and not avoiding everything.

So to come full circle with what you said, Yail, hopefully whoever the next person is (even if it's H 2.0) will realize the importance of that communication with me and I won't feel so apprehensive about this stuff. And I will have to learn to trust people again that what they say/do to me is what they mean, and won't do what H did.

My side note officially turned into its own topic, oops.