TJT Becoming a "MFS"

[TJT]

Oh wait, one more thing I forgot to mention. One thing I have ALWAYS struggled with on vacations is all of the other super beautiful women around. Even at times when I think I look good, it never fails that some knockout lady wearing next to nothing will come strutting around.

There was a LOT of this where we were at (even some topless sunbathing), and on one hand I was happy that I didn't have to worry about a partner oogling over someone like that. But I also can't figure out how to reconcile that anxiousness I get in those situations, because it WILL happen no matter who I'm with, at some point. There's always someone better looking, and smarter, and yadda yadda.

So, I know obviously commitment and respect is all part of this, and that the right person will help make me feel comfortable and respected in such situations... but regardless of that, I always always always think in my head that my partner must be wondering what it's like to be with that person. Sure they love me, but who wouldn't love that other person?? This happens to me when watching movies with a significant other as well. If there's a sex scene or topless woman, I immediately think welp, pretty sure they are wishing that was them right now, or that this woman is super hot and turning them on. I get really discouraged.

And no I can't even flip that around on myself because I've never been one to have like a "celebrity crush" or that one person I'd ask for a "hall pass" for. I hate that crap. Yes I can acknowledge when someone else is handsome or whatever, but I don't get any joy out of fantasizing about someone I don't even know. It's very personal to me, and I've thought about it a lot over many, many years and I can't figure out why I feel this way, while many others don't seem to care much. I mean ultimately it boils down to fear of not being good enough I guess, but I can't pinpoint why that's a thing for me... like if there's some unconscious thing going on from something I may have seen as a little girl or something, I really don't know. There's nothing obvious that I can attribute to it, and then I start to wonder am I truly wrong for feeling that way or is it maybe more normal than I think and other people just don't admit to it?

When I first found out about my H's PA, I went into overdrive researching if all men really fantasize about other women and if it's just a fact of life that I will need to get over. I read some things that reassured me that a good man doesn't do things like this, and a tonnnn of other things claiming that men literally can't control their eyes or their thoughts, that basically they don't even know they're doing it half the time, like a sneeze, and that the best I could ask for is a man who can at least control his actions beyond the looking/fantasizing. Cue allll of the biology reasoning, etc.

Essentially I think there's clearly a balance of my partner respecting me and making me feel safe in the relationship AND my own insecurities involved here. What's terrible about my sitch is that this existed well before my H and I met (I've felt this way my whole life as far as I can tell), and one of the things I loved about my H was that he did make me feel "safe" and as if he only wanted me.... and now that he is the one to have done what he's done, I know this fear/insecurity/uncomfortable nature I have in these situations is going to be amplified by 1,000 going forward. In that respect, I feel like I'm probably one of the worst people he could have done this to.

So that's kind of a downer post as compared to my initial update post, but it's really just a side note I wanted to dive into a little more and get insights on for the future, because that's always been very difficult for me in a relationship.