Feeling lost getting over it and maybe not caring

[Adam04]

I lost my Mom to cancer. Dad to heart failure complicated by his kidneys failing too. Yeah this is worse by far.

Just found out through the Insurance agent the W has a PO Box. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. More secrets and lies.

Yeah, I'm really ticked off. Sent my L a handwritten note by scan to pdf email. I'm done with this garbage. I want her out. Sell the house as is. At a loss. I just sent the mortgage for Jan. I have been paying since June of last year, car insurance, utilities, all of it. Her brother coughs up $350 a month and she gets it every other month. She pays the cell phone bill with it.

She can go choke on her foxtrotting cake. She denies OM. Go. She lied about needing her car key. "Lost it" on a trip to Fl last May. I won't do anything to her stuff. That's pointless. Can't get at what I need to because of her stuff either.

Better?

First, sorry to hear about your mom and dad.

As for better....

IMO, no... you're all over the place, which is understandable but you're swinging from one extreme to the other. You may need some time to cool off and get level headed. It's very hard... I remember my first night after BD, I considered something awful for myself. I was in such a low place. I get the feeling, many of us do, but we are also telling you it gets better if you choose it. I told my W after BD, before I found this place, I would NEVER ALLOW someone to have that kind of power over me ever again. I felt so weak and helpless, I was ashamed at what I had become.

(be prepared for more secrets and lies; expect the worst, but hope for the best. You know when I read that, I picture the worst thing my W could throw at me and I hope that I'll show her the best side of me, unfazed... not that I'm thinking and ruminating about bad things, and then praying that they don't happen to me)

As said just recently:

But like it or not, the worst has happened and there is no way to change that. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you choose to do about it.

Turbine, I too really feel for you. I can feel the waves crashing into you and swallowing you whole. I'm sorry you have to go through this... as for if this is the worst of it, there will be other scenarios that will play out. I've read somewhere that this is only the beginning. However, it can be the worst of it if you make it. I hope you catch that. It's what you choose for right now.

I read somewhere, think its a quote or book title, "Holding on is believing in the past, letting go is believing in the future."

I think in your case, because of something you mentioned earlier, which isn't working, as DV6 mentioned, you need to do something -other than- church and spending time with your children to GAL. Church, Children, and gym should be part of your daily life anyways. GO OUT and EXPERIENCE LIFE. It will help you. Believe in God and believe in the process.

I know you don't want to dwell in the pain and you surely don't want to fester in anger. Let those emotions flow through you and turn into positive energy. You have the choice and power to do that... I think your name is fitting for this, you take that negative energy MR TURBINE and you convert it into positive energy. I know you can do it, if you focus and want to do it. You're too focused on wanting your W back... it almost sounds possessive where the hurt is coming from a very selfish place and then to hear that turn to anger so quickly, it's almost frightening. Seriously, I'm a guy reading your posts and I've been worried about you several times. I say this in hopes that you look down and stare into the deep end and turn around, that you'd snap out of it. I wish it would click for you soon so you can find peace of mind.

I also get it about losing someone special, when one spouse loses the other, the surviving spouse loses the will to thrive and survive. I've seen this in death, not divorce.

There is hope for -you-.