two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[TJT]

Hey burned. Sorry for my absence, I was on vacation but just caught up on your thread.

On the D papers, first of all it sounds like you all just agreed to get the papers filled out and yes you did that work but I don't see where you told her you "wanted" the D and would take it through to filing. Maybe I missed that part if you did indeed say those things, but if none of that was said, then I don't see any reason why it doesn't make sense to let it be right now and if she asks, just let her know that you will work with her on whatever her decision is to move it forward.

I will agree with some of your confusion in certain areas. I wont hijack your thread too much here, but one of the things I really struggle with is the sheer legal ramification of staying married when your spouse is confirmed to be with an OP and doing who knows what. I know some states are different but it is very, very hard to reconcile what I know would be the best decision for me financially and protecting my future with what everyone here says to do for the sake of DBing (don't file unless you want to be divorced). Then other people here have said in my sitch that it's just a piece of paper and means nothing about the relationship, which I tend to agree with but clearly there is conversation here on your thread that leans toward initiating D being a bad idea if you don't actually want D.

Anyway... aside from that part, I think others have already said what I would have responded with to your previous posts (and Yail has had a few amazing gems in here that I need to copy down!) The only thing I would add is to maybe go back and read your own trails of thought in these threads. You should be able to see how you fluctuate SO hard in changing your responses/behaviors based on your W, one minute wanting to work on things and the next being mad that it didn't go the way you wanted. Someone else mentioned that you haven't really given it enough time and as much as I hate to hear that, too, I definitely believe it's true that it is still possible to happen in time.

That being said, I also see that you are having trouble with forgiving yourself and moving on from the things you did wrong in the past. And you had a great point when you said that maybe a big part of your W wanting a D was less about OM (if there is one, which again you seem to be unsure about/don't have proof of) and more about her just not being happy. That's definitely a valid scenario as much as that stings (and one I've entertained in my own sitch...although at this point I think our sitches are quite different).

Ultimately, I truly empathize with the fact that you feel in your heart you could be the man that your W wants and how bad it kicks rocks that W won't be around to see it. I mean, I feel that way about a lot of things that I don't think have any merit to causing my H to do what he's doing, but that I just want him to be able to see my growth as a person, because I love him and he's been my best friend and nobody else at this point is going to see that point A to point B growth but him. No matter how you slice it, that's just another form of LOSS. You have to mourn not just the past but also the future - and get to a point where you are able to make room for a new future which will be uncertain but could very well be better than anything in the past.

And if I'm honest, right now, I think you may be overestimating how much you have already changed. I am 1000% confident that you have learned things from this experience and are actively working on some things, but from your W's point of view, she's likely been so hurt that it's going to take very clear, consistent change for her to even entertain getting back together with you again (and even then it may be too late). I feel if your W came back to you tomorrow wanting to work on things, you would no doubt be putting in a ton of effort but probably would not be changed to the extent that she needs you to be, and it would be very easy for you to fall back into old behaviors and therefore constantly have to reassure her that you will "be different" and continue working on it, which isn't gonna cut it and if anything would sabotage your chances even more with her long-term (I think someone else mentioned this, about being ready to recon).

This is also why you need to realize that you need to do this for YOU, because you are losing more and more time every time you hold yourself back because of how she's reacting. She's given you what you need to know; learn from that and be thankful that she didn't just keep up the status quo where you may have never had to face these issues, because the same thing will apply with any future relationship. You will NOT be able to expect that you are a changed person and will be be a better H just because this happened to you and you now see it.

Also, one last thing that stuck out in your thread that others addressed but I will reiterate - you need to stop the whole "if she knew I was this way, she should have known/understood when I didn't take her seriously." All you need to do any time you want to say something like that is turn it back on yourself. This isn't about whether you see things black and white, whether you are a good listener or not, etc. This is about your interest and attention to your W, and anyone who truly "adored" their W like you said you do doesn't NEED to see things the exact same way as the other... all you need is an actual interest and care for what your W may be feeling and thinking, not just yourself.

Now, if you reflect on that and find that you actually simply aren't interested in your W as a person, and you are just rewriting history as if you liked her and were happier than you really were, that's a different story. But that's where you need to evaluate and differentiate between things that your character flaws and things that just weren't right for you in the M.

Either way, even if it wasn't a factor with M specifically, you are spot on about all those things you called out that you need to really dig into to pinpoint all the drivers behind why you behave in certain ways. I respect you immensely, for admitting to those things (and yeah, it's fairly easy to do on the internet to a bunch of strangers, but the fact that you are openly stating them shows healthy progress for you).

Now work on being uber vigilant and mindful about recognizing when you are behaving in a way that's driven by one of those things. I know you said before you don't want to be having to "think" about everything you do in life all the time, but honestly you may have to do that for a while if you've got bad habits and thinking patterns that you really want to change. And there are likely other people in your life that will benefit from you working on those things, too...