Thanks for all the positive vibes folks. I definitely needed it.
AS I didn't pursue the S and D to snap her out and use it as a tactic. I thought I was intellectually and emotionally ready for it. Intellectually I know it's the right move for me, but emotionally, I didn't expect to have a reaction like this. I have played this scenario many times in my head, but it didn't prepare me for when it actually happened today. My whole life flashed before my eyes and all I could was failure, rejection, and struggle. My whole life just felt like I've wasted it. I am feeling better now but it's just adding up so many losses, so many bad decisions, and not being present and self-aware to take life by the reins. You're totally right about increasing love for life and looking at moments that will bring me immense joy, and none of that has to do with my career or my house or material possessions. Thanks for being in my corner as always.
Nef Thanks for the kind words man. Tomorrow will be better yes. Much love as well.
Davide Totally appreciate your words and perspective. You're right - I know I have the tools and wherewithal to not drown and actually find a way to surf the wave. I am actually proud of letting myself feel those intense emotions and coming out the other end rather than running away. I haven't felt this intensely about my sitch since March last year and I at least know that my growth is real.
DV Yeah, self-compassion is so important. I couldn't believe how I used to talk to myself. I wouldn't do that to anyone. The 'if only' game is such a dead end, you're right. Even with all of that, you could've ended up here. There's just so much of my past that I have to completely let go and exercise that forgiveness. Thanks for chiming in.
Nicole Yeh, I did chat with a close female friend of mine. Normally I'd just bottle it all up, but it was good to talk to her. I am planning on having a great evening with my kids and just being in the circle of love with them. This transitional state is just paperwork for me at the moment and I just want to get it done so it feels like there's a sense of finality to it.
I am doing much better now and looking forward to taking it easy this evening. The clouds are slowly scattering and I didn't allow myself to wallow in self-pity and loathing. I went about my day and got my work done and I feel better after letting the emotions have their day. Thanks everyone for giving me perspective and being there for me. I have overcome so many odds in life and I know I am not a failure. Just need to water the garden of self-confidence, value, and love.
