Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 4)

[AnotherStander]

But to me it looks like she wants this no matter what.

Yes, that is the outward appearance that all WAS's project. As I said, what is on the inside is a completely different matter.

She told me she wants our new arrangements to start by March. To me, this tells me that she wants to move on STAT.

Right, she is resolute that it's the right thing to do. This is the way it will be for quite some time. Later she may change her mind. A lot of LBS's struggle with this, that "later" can be different than "now". But she changed her mind once from wanting to be married to not wanting to, so why do you think she can't change it back again.

It’s still hard not to feel like a POS husband, though, but I need to GET OVER IT.

Well that's part of it is getting over the guilt and the feeling that we need to punish ourselves. It comes with time as does the rebuilding of our self-esteem.

A very Christian perspective, even if it’s not meant like that. The idea of forgiveness—not about yesterday, but about today and tomorrow.

I think whether someone believes in Jesus or not, the idea of the way he lived is certainly something to admire and strive for. In the face of terrible persecution and very real threats of death he never preached anything but forgiveness and love. I really do think about that a lot, when faced with some roadblock I ask myself the classic WWJD. I think even those who do not believe should at least picture someone they admire who always handles situations with confidence, respect, love and honor and ask themselves what would that person do to deal with a particular situation and then act accordingly.

I tried 180s really quick back in the spring, and she thought it was fake.

Yeah, they never believe them at first. We typically start out doing them while gauging our WAS for a response, but eventually we give up on that and just do them for ourselves.

I have been trying to make the changes, validate, detach and GAL where I can, even though it often looks / feels amateurish and like it’s not helping. Day by day.

Well one of the odd things about DB'ing is because you are kind of following steps from the books and advice from here it DOES feel like you're just doing tricks. Especially with validating, I used to think "oh man she is going to see right through this and think it's fake." But when you keep it up it becomes second nature and feels more natural. So keep at it!