Not having the best start to the day today. Just thought I'd come and journal here for a bit.
Recap: I initiated the separation agreement process and it's been going on. Waiting on documents from exW so that the lawyers can move it along.
This morning, received a long message from exW and she mentioned the D word and how we can move it along without the lawyers and jointly file an uncontested D. Just took my breath away really.
I started the separation agreement process leading towards getting the D done and intellectually worked through it all, but it's taken an emotional hit that I wasn't really expecting. I figured it would sting, but I am just in a bit of an emotional funk right now. I haven't responded back to her yet, but I don't have any objections to her suggestion.
I'm just feeling like a total failure right now - in life and marriage. I just never imagined that I'd be here in my relationship, life, and career - all of it not in an optimal place. I also don't have any family nearby; the closest being a 5 hour flight. Just feeling so alone and lost and without any back-up right now.
Just want to drown my emotions in a bottle right now, but I know it's not going to lead to anything good.
I know intellectually that I am working to turn all of this around - finances, career, my health, social network etc, but it's hard not to feel like I don't have any of my $hit together. Her bringing it up also has flooded me with thoughts of how she's just moved on and probably has someone already and didn't even give me a shred of a chance to make this work. It just really feels awful right now.
Unfortunately, I haven't built up enough calluses on my mind and heart to withstand this as of now. I know I am going to be okay and I have made a ton of progress, but just doesn't feel like that right now. It's a bit gloomy right now.
I'm also feeling a bit angry about all of this. I've just taken so many hits in my life and I just want to give up and stop trying to improve anything and accept that everything is going to suck and I might as well ride this life out until it ends. I am just so tired of being strong - I've had to do that for all my life for everyone else. Where is my cushion that I can fall into and be caught by someone else to take care of me and fold me in with their love? Ahhh!
I know that I am going to get through this. I always do. I am just cut up and raw today.
