Is it wrong that I have been seriously considering filing for D myself? I am not mad, upset, resentful or sad right now. I am really just feeling like I want to be single and enjoy my life.
Well like Amoafwl said your path to enjoying life isn't tied to D. Maybe you have a personal belief that you shouldn't date while married which is fine, but after going through something like this you first need to spend some time alone (no dating) to recenter yourself and find out how to love yourself. Usually when I say that someone throws in a stupid masturbation joke but it's a serious issue. After BD and the aftermath we all struggle with liking ourselves again. We have low self-esteem. We think if our spouse of years or decades can't love us then who can. Basically we hate ourselves. We can't jump into another R to "fill that hole" although many of us try. First we have to learn to be happy with who we are again, and satisfied that we don't -need- someone else in our lives even if we might -want- them.
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But I'm going to be 39 this year. Do I want to spend the rest of my 30s hoping for something that's not there to come back?
If you are laying awake at night worrying about recon then I promise D won't make that go away. It'll probably replace it with you laying awake at night worrying about whether you made the wrong choice to push the D through. And 39 is nothing to worry about, I was 50 at BD and I've had a very full and exciting life since S and D.
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I just want to be happy and I haven't been for a very long time.
Sit down and make a list of reasons you haven't been happy and things that you think will make you happy. I imagine D won't fix the reasons you aren't happy, and won't prevent you from doing the things you think will make you happy but maybe it will. But regardless, the list should give you a game plan moving forward.
