I know how you feel. I had to move countries and (obviously) change jobs right after BD - so I had the hat-trick of life's "most stressful experiences". My XH actually behaved pretty well at the time, all things considered, but that still couldn't make up for the grief, gut-wrenching anxiety, disbelief, outrage at the unfairness of it all and the deep, horrifying fear of the future that I was dealing with. All the while I did what you did - I held it together at work, and I tried to treat my XH with enough civility to avoid nastiness and accusations of bitchiness, craziness and whatever else.
I cried my heart out every night. Sometimes all night. Deep, wrenching, soulful sobs. I lost lots of weight. I think I went a tiny bit mad. However, I made it all look OK on the outside.
I absolutely understand how you feel. It is the worst thing I've ever experienced in my entire life, and I'm sure you feel the same.
Know this. You *are* going to get better. I didn't believe it when people said I would. I thought they had no clue. That they were stronger than me. That they had some special recuperative powers that I somehow missed out on.
I was wrong. They were right. Things did get better - eventually. Don't judge yourself by how long it takes for things to get better. Just know that it will.
You will be so proud of yourself for behaving the way you've decided. You could've chosen a different response, but you didn't. That is all down to the strong, resilient, loving, good woman that you are. Your kids will be proud of you. Your friends. Your colleagues and your family.
Devvo- You situation was certainly enormously stressful! So many changes forced on you all at once. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I do appreciate it.
Nothing has really changed here. My husband doesn't spew like so many MLCers do (for which I am thankful). He continues to mostly avoid and ignore me. If we are together he mostly treats me with cold indifference. As far as I know he has not secured a place to live for his previously mentioned Feb 1st move out date but I am not entirely sure. He hasn't brought it up again (but that doesn't mean much).
The guest room, where my husband is currently staying, looks like a teenagers room. Dirty clothes and belongings all over the floor. Bedsheets that haven't been washed in ages. Just a general slovenly mess. He hasn't been spending as much time out of the house as he did pre-bomb drop. Now he is around but closed off, angry and somewhat mopey.
Typical adult/teenager behavior. He reminds me so much of another poster's husband. You may want to search for HaWho. She had a husband who lived in a "dorm room" in the house for a few years before he finally moved out. Her threads may help you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The teenager behavior continues. Every morning I come into a kitchen with dirty dishes on the counter and any garbage or recyclables he has generated just strewn about the kitchen. It's almost like my husband is trying to get me to fight with him about it. I haven't said anything (after all I guess it is small potatoes compared to the much larger issue of him wanting to move out) but it is still irritating every morning. At home my husband is wearing the same jeans and hoodie at all times with the hood up like he is hiding. It really is like living with a 15 year old.
Interestingly, every weekday he still puts on his business clothes, shaves and goes to work looking normal. I think his behavior has only regressed to sullen teen at home. He does put the kids on the bus every morning before work still (I go to work early in the morning) for which I am grateful.
The weekends are hard. I plan outings with the kids but there is just a certain amount of time that is spent at home taking care of life. Last year (when my husband was acting strangely but pre-BD) he was gone a lot on the weekends. Now he is around and doing a lot of heavy sighing every time we cross paths. I try not to let it affect me but it does. I am not even engaging him I am just existing and going about my life and that seems to make him angry.
I am going to try and head into the weekend with a good attitude though. Be the change I want to see.
