13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So spinning a little, but I know how to act, I know how not to react, and I know what is healthy for me, so this is just a bit of a rant to get it off my chest I guess.

Yesterday arrived home late, tugged in the kids and me and WW made the house ready for D4 birthday today. Went to bed after that, so that I all rested and ready for a great today with my daughter today.

So I know, my texts are filled with WW and again, this is not because I am about to do some stupid [censored], I just vent here, since I dont want to put this on my family or friends anymore.

So this morning, we woke up, and sang for D4, she was really happy. She opened her presents, we played with her new toys, and then had breakfast. And yea, this is where it kinda goes down hill. I have a new bubble, a priority bubble of sorts, and that main bubble is me, d4 and s1. However, traditions and habits got the best of me, because I wanted to include WW in this special day for d4 (she always was completely focused on the kids when their birthdays are happening). Today she was in the kitchen, texting OM and not participating in the fun, I felt bad for d4, but kept my cool (none of my business anymore I guess, so I didn't say anything. D4 had a good morning anyways with me and her brother.

I then dropped the kids and daycare, and am now at work (will leave midday so we can celebrate her birthday) and WW has said she will leave tomorrow morning and be gone for the week, as we agreed on (That will create some space for me to relax. I dont feel very comfortable around WW, she seems like she has a secret agenda with everything. Acting very nice and talking calmly and then boom... If I say something she doesn't necessarily think is right (I proposed a treasure hunt for D4 today - she then hiss at me and really shows how much she apparently resents me - (that is really crazy to witness, but it is what it is).

So I made the mistake of snooping (dumbass :D), but yea whatever, I am not gonna react to it, and I know it is unhealthy of me to do so, so thats a 180 I really need to be working on. Apparently since her and OM work together, he wrote her on her birthday on the internal text message system "Hi Sweety, Happy birthday. Looking forward to seeing you on saturday....." and she responded "Thank you (heart emoji), You are gorgeous! I can't wait to see you either...."

What can I do with this info? absolutely nothing. Does it change anything? Absolutely not... Does it make me spin, and make my stomach turn, and make me use my mental energy on this instead of reserving it for a day of fun with D4? absolutely.

Point is: Dont snoop.

I am not gonna let it ruin my day and thereby D4s special day. We will have fun. I will tolerate WW, I will be kind, upbeat and make it all about D4, and then tonight when she is tugged in after having had a great day. I will go to the gym, and make use of this pooled up negative energy to have a killer workout.

I just had my first week of not living at the house. I missed my kids, and by day 3, I didn't even give much thought to WW. When I arrived home tuesday, she was in the kitchen with no makeup, in some old relaxed clothings. I looked at her, and just realized, wow.... why am I putting that on a piedestal. She is only dressing up and taking care of herself whenever she is going to be with OM, and frankly, I am not gonna be all superficial - I loved her, and she can be very gorgeous, but chooses only to be when she goes to her new life, so with that in mind, and the fact that the inside, that I loved very much, is now completely gone, then goodbye piedestal. Have a nice life, maybe we meet again...

I will have my picnic (metaphor from the site).. She can sit in her castle with OM, and maybe it will be great for them, and maybe I will peak her interest with my nice picnic, on the nice green grass. Maybe she chooses to peak out, maybe join in, and maybe I will be having a guest at my picnic and will no longer be interested.

Time will tell..

Spinning, not reacting, mostly just venting....

Finding this community, has without a doubt been life changing for me.. I look forward to coming here everyday. Thank you so much