Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 4)

[Bo562]

But that is how she feels too. Of course you can argue that it makes no sense and isn't fair but we're talking about FEELINGS. The way she feels right now is extremely negative towards you and the M and in her eyes it is all your fault. You are feeling hurt now, well she is probably thinking "welcome to the club, I've been feeling hurt for years and you just ignored it". So treating her poorly is just feeding into her perception that you are the problem, that you will never change, and that S or D is the only option.

Right. I shouldn’t read too much into feelings. She has told me in the past what she has been unhappy with, and I either could not or would not change. She would tell me what she is feeling so ‘her conscience would be clear,’ and I would ask her what that would mean, and she would tell me that it would mean her conscience would be clear.

I’ll do my best to not treat her poorly starting now.

But inside they are really struggling. I remember people here telling me that about my ex and I would think "yeah right, you don't see her every day like I do, she is 100% resolute". Much later she told me that she cried in private every single day for months after BD. I was stunned, why was SHE crying? Was this not exactly what she wanted? But the thing is, they are really confused. They don't know what they want, but they think once they pull that trigger then they need to go through with it. But they second-guess themselves constantly. So if you are mean/ cold/ indifferent/ rude you are affirming that ending the M is the proper course of action. But if you are kind, understanding and accommodating, it contradicts their negative feelings towards you. It doesn't change their mind right away but it paves the way for them to change their mind.

I’ve wondered about this. I wonder if she is crying / conflicted about this—the sniffling I would hear, the drinks in the shower.

But to me it looks like she wants this no matter what. I’m home sick today with a stomach bug (and for me, what feels like a preview of life without her—home by myself, no one to take care of me, W relatively indifferent towards my illness), and W asked me to review the parenting plan doc in more depth. She told me she wants our new arrangements to start by March. To me, this tells me that she wants to move on STAT.

I do want her to change her mind about me, so I’ll start being better towards her.

A lot of LBS's say similar things- why should I be understanding and accommodating if she's not reciprocating. And yes, it is tough! But if you want someone else to change you don't tell them to change X, Y and Z. You change YOURSELF first. And even if your changes don't change her, you are still a better person for it, and better equipped for the next R.

Didn’t mean to come across that way, but I shouldn’t keep score in my head with her. But for me, I have been trying to change the part of myself about making ‘you’ statements or escalating in an argument. I’m not doing those things anymore, hence the amateurish attempts at validating, so I at least try not to escalate or get ‘baited’ into something.

Yes, again this is about her feelings and perceptions. That is how she feels RIGHT NOW. That can and will change later whether you recon or not. When you read some of the piecing threads it's quite common for a WAS to say "I felt that way at the time, but now looking back I have no idea WHY I felt that way". So for now you just have to take your lumps. Let her feel that way, all you can do is be true to yourself and let her sort things out over time

Ah, the WAS fog. Be the lighthouse. You’re right, let her feel whatever she feels and be true to myself. I do hope that one day she looks back and realizes that she made a huge mistake. I’ll work on myself and try to prove her wrong about me. It’s still hard not to feel like a POS husband, though, but I need to GET OVER IT.

Be patient. There's no rush to shove her out the door, that will not bring the relief you're hoping for. Eventually you'll sort through these confusing feelings you're going through and get back to normal, THEN you'll be able to decide what the best course of action is. When I went through my sitch it just seemed to drag on and on and on like being stuck in purgatory. But now years later? It seems like it all happened so fast.

Believe me, I don’t want to shove her out the door, even though I get the impression that she wants the same. It already feels like it’s happening so fast—she wants our new living arrangements by March. Ugh.

This isn't about what you did yesterday, it's about what you CAN do today and tomorrow, etc. going forward. Yesterday I mentioned in another thread that if you did 180's on EVERYTHING from day one then it would just look fake to your W, like tricks to get her back. But if you slowly improve and do more and more 180's over time, then it looks more genuine. So don't sweat it, just keep working on those changes.

A very Christian perspective, even if it’s not meant like that. The idea of forgiveness—not about yesterday, but about today and tomorrow.

I tried 180s really quick back in the spring, and she thought it was fake.

I have been trying to make the changes, validate, detach and GAL where I can, even though it often looks / feels amateurish and like it’s not helping. Day by day.

Thank you for the encouragement, A/S.