Yail, rather than trying to formalize things into categories or formalisms, it may be more useful to speak in life terms. Again, these are just my thoughts, so please check within yourself to see if they resonate, okay?
(1) "my emotions were dependent on her emotions" is long-term problematic, I think. A person secure in her own sense of self doesn't depend on the other for wholeness or joy. Your sitch is curious, because most people I've met who are not mainstream (and I do hope that being gay will no longer be considered not mainstream) are typically compelled to define themselves apart from society. But perhaps there are aspects of your individual history preventing you from the positive consequence of healthy individuation that demands this solid sense of self?
(2) We all wish we had do-overs. I read an interview with Harold Ramis in which he said that when he wrote "Ground Hog Day", the Bill Murray character had do go through thousands of iterations to "get things right." Yikes! It takes that amount of trial-and-error to get to be the well-grounded, integrated person we all aspire to be.
So yes, perhaps you could have been more supportive when she withdrew emotionally or when she went through her Talking Heads moment of telling herself: "this is not my beautiful house...this is not my beautiful wife...well, how did I get here?" But so could we all have been more responsive to our partners at one time or another.
I pray for you what I pray for myself: that my W gives me another 1001 chances to get it right, cause if W ever comes back, I know I will screw it up again. If W does not, then perhaps W ver2.0 will.
I will share with you what I told W last I saw her: I am offering her a grace-filled love, despite the pain she caused by walking away. (In my faith, grace has a specific meaning: to offer unconditional love to the undeserving.) If she cannot offer me same, we have no basis for the marriage I want.
