To me, a theory's usefulness depends ultimately on its explanatory power.
My specific circumstances are: since W was 15, she has been in committed relationships; BD came after months of my travel, during which W lived alone for the first time in her life (kids all grown); W derives much self-definition from community, rather than self; W impatient when I respond to the world differently; W resentful of my career at times; W is middle aged, with all the attendant hormonal, career, and familial implications.
So: the theory of W's late-blooming individuation provides a lot of explanatory power for me. Midlife transitions, depression, and other "shadows" become crises only when anyone going through them loses the ability to see these for what they are: normal phases that most anyone goes through. With time, treatment, and self-awareness, the shadows need not terminate the M.
In your sitch, would you say that it is you that is undergoing a late-blooming individuation and that your W is having trouble dealing with this? But you also mentioned your W stating she "never lived the life she wanted." Does at least some of this strike you as true, and if so, in what way? If both of you are asking yourselves the big, existential questions, is there emotional space and trust for you to regard each other as something other than antagonists during this process? After a > 10 year, mutually supportive relationship, what changed, Yail?
Hmm, this might be tricky to answer because you're so eloquent and I'm stumbling through my theory
Also, I haven't yet done reading on individuation, so you may be able to poke holes in my theory if I'm misunderstanding it.
I don't think W is reacting poorly to my individuation. I think this is what she wanted all along - a full partner that is whole into themselves. Our R became based around her making all decisions and carrying that weight and responsiblity. If I had done GAL activities while married and returned home competent, happy, healthy, and willing to work through any trials we had I think we'd be in a different situation. I'm getting there now since S. In our R my emotions were dependent on her emotions - she set the tone, and I was always reactive. It was too much weight for her to carry.
This was a newer behavior, and I can't identify how it slipped into our R. I had a major fear of rocking the boat. Well, now the boat is rocked. And once your worst fear comes true you kind of lose all your fear. So I know I won't do that again.
The "never lived the life she wanted" does strike me as true, but in a script kind of way. She has worked hard for what she has. But now that she has it she is questioning if she ever sought out all that is available to her in life. She mentioned that she has always done what was expected of her (good job, work hard, better job, house, spouse etc.). So now that she has those things, I think she's wondering if they're what she actually wanted, or if she was just playing into the script.
After our 10+ years the pieces that I feel changed are:
1) W pulled away emotionally and I didn't ask why for a long time. I left her hanging when what she really wanted was for me, her partner, to try to step in and at least offer support, and to see what she needed. This is on me. I just assumed she'd work through her struggles privately.
2) I wonder if the timing of the fact that BD happened about 6 months after we got M means anything. In some ways, that's the final "check box" for us. We weren't going to have kids. So now that everything is achieved - what now?
3) The major other piece is W had an exciting opportunity on the horizon and I was not supportive. This is also on me. As the S I should have supported her enthusiasm even if I had reservations. We should have talked about it. I stupidly and unexplainably stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would go away. This is an action I wish wholeheartedly I could have a do-over on.
My explanations here seem to point more towards WAW than MLC, so I'm not sure how connected they are to your theory. I think my situation is a bit of a combo. I think perhaps W in MLC, but had I handled myself as a full partner she would not have left but may have continued to work through herself while staying in the M. Just my own thoughts.
