To me, a theory's usefulness depends ultimately on its explanatory power.
My specific circumstances are: since W was 15, she has been in committed relationships; BD came after months of my travel, during which W lived alone for the first time in her life (kids all grown); W derives much self-definition from community, rather than self; W impatient when I respond to the world differently; W resentful of my career at times; W is middle aged, with all the attendant hormonal, career, and familial implications.
So: the theory of W's late-blooming individuation provides a lot of explanatory power for me. Midlife transitions, depression, and other "shadows" become crises only when anyone going through them loses the ability to see these for what they are: normal phases that most anyone goes through. With time, treatment, and self-awareness, the shadows need not terminate the M.
In your sitch, would you say that it is you that is undergoing a late-blooming individuation and that your W is having trouble dealing with this? But you also mentioned your W stating she "never lived the life she wanted." Does at least some of this strike you as true, and if so, in what way? If both of you are asking yourselves the big, existential questions, is there emotional space and trust for you to regard each other as something other than antagonists during this process? After a > 10 year, mutually supportive relationship, what changed, Yail?
