Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 5

[Davide]

I talked with my IC yesterday for the first time in a month. It's not always the most helpful. I can get some things off my chest and work through some issues but in general he is convinced (and I don't disagree) that I am doing very well and that my mindset and attitude are where they should be.

That said, one of the issues that I was working through with him, and that I wanted to share here and ask for thoughts on was my desire to start moving forward with splitting the finances and beginning the process of filing for a D. As of our last conversation and her last email a few weeks ago, my W does not feel ready for that. Speaking with one of my dates who also happens to be separated, I had it confirmed to me that the year-long separation requirement of this state is not enforced in practice so long as both parties agree to it (i.e. If we both simply say that we separated last January rather than last April, there is no checking up to see if it is true.) So, I could start moving the process forward now rather than waiting until April, and I am tempted to do so.

I wanted to interrogate my desire to move forward in this process. Part of it certainly has to do with moving on and being more free to date without having to have those awkward conversations which can drive people away. I do feel that being separated is a red-flag (and perhaps deservedly so) for many women, and it is holding me back from meeting people or connecting further with people. Part of the reason I am dating so much now is because I am trying to figure out if I want to stay in the city where I currently live, and where I have few ties. I love my house and my neighborhood, and am growing a social circle which I like very much, so staying is an option which becomes more attractive if I think there might be a relationship out there.

Part of my desire is also because I realize that I would like to start a family before it is too late, and while it is not AS imperative as a man, there is a biological clock for me, as well as for the pool of women that I can date. Even now most of the women I see are reaching a point of having to make a decision very soon, and I feel that will only worsen in the future. I don't feel like I have a lot of time to waste, and I realize that it could take years to meet the right person, or to develop the relationship fully, or simply to be successful in having a child. I don't want to be a first-time father at age 50.

I also feel that there is already no relationship to cling to. The metaphor I used with my IC is that of a brain-dead accident victim who is kept alive only by machines and for whom some near family member has to make the decision to pull the plug. My relationship, like that patient, is already gone, it is only a question of pulling the legal plug on it. I still have love for who my wife was, and her importance in my life, and the myriad good times we had together. If she came running back saying all the right things and showing personal and emotional growth I would certainly be tempted to give it a chance, but I'm not sure if I would. I want a family and she doesn't, and I think that might be a deal-breaker for me now in a way that it wasn't earlier. If I am focused on the future, not the past, I don't know how much she really has to offer me.

Returning to the metaphor, there is still some trepidation about the finality of "pulling the plug" even though it really doesn't change anything. It's not the type of decision you want to rush. In my mind it is a question of balancing the competing desires for freedom and a clear path to move forward, versus patience and a respect for the relationship which did mean so much to me. If I turn it around for a second to contemplate how I would feel if my W approached me and suggested that we start moving forward on D -- I think the initial approach would sting, one final rejection piled on top, but once I got past that I think I would be relieved. It would allow me to move forward while taking the responsibility for making the decision to pull the plug out of my hands.

In any case, I'd love to hear any advice.