She’s not the enemy, nor am I, and I should take the high road, but yes it’s so hard because I feel so betrayed and hurt.
But that is how she feels too. Of course you can argue that it makes no sense and isn't fair but we're talking about FEELINGS. The way she feels right now is extremely negative towards you and the M and in her eyes it is all your fault. You are feeling hurt now, well she is probably thinking "welcome to the club, I've been feeling hurt for years and you just ignored it". So treating her poorly is just feeding into her perception that you are the problem, that you will never change, and that S or D is the only option.
LBS's are usually so caught up in their own pain and grief that it's extremely difficult for them to see things from their spouse's point-of-view. And their spouse is usually the ice queen externally so it's hard to get a read on them. But inside they are really struggling. I remember people here telling me that about my ex and I would think "yeah right, you don't see her every day like I do, she is 100% resolute". Much later she told me that she cried in private every single day for months after BD. I was stunned, why was SHE crying? Was this not exactly what she wanted? But the thing is, they are really confused. They don't know what they want, but they think once they pull that trigger then they need to go through with it. But they second-guess themselves constantly. So if you are mean/ cold/ indifferent/ rude you are affirming that ending the M is the proper course of action. But if you are kind, understanding and accommodating, it contradicts their negative feelings towards you. It doesn't change their mind right away but it paves the way for them to change their mind.
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I’ve been doing my best to remove ‘you’ statements (though I have heard these from her, but I’ve said nothing about it—don’t want to fight about that)
A lot of LBS's say similar things- why should I be understanding and accommodating if she's not reciprocating. And yes, it is tough! But if you want someone else to change you don't tell them to change X, Y and Z. You change YOURSELF first. And even if your changes don't change her, you are still a better person for it, and better equipped for the next R.
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But it feels like everything points back to me—I’m the reason why she wants out, I’m making things worse, etc.
Yes, again this is about her feelings and perceptions. That is how she feels RIGHT NOW. That can and will change later whether you recon or not. When you read some of the piecing threads it's quite common for a WAS to say "I felt that way at the time, but now looking back I have no idea WHY I felt that way". So for now you just have to take your lumps. Let her feel that way, all you can do is be true to yourself and let her sort things out over time.
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I have my moments where I’m kinda ready to be done and want to move on, as well. I’m so, so conflicted right now.
Be patient. There's no rush to shove her out the door, that will not bring the relief you're hoping for. Eventually you'll sort through these confusing feelings you're going through and get back to normal, THEN you'll be able to decide what the best course of action is. When I went through my sitch it just seemed to drag on and on and on like being stuck in purgatory. But now years later? It seems like it all happened so fast.
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I look like such a mess right now—like I said to TF, I feel like I’m making things worse.
This isn't about what you did yesterday, it's about what you CAN do today and tomorrow, etc. going forward. Yesterday I mentioned in another thread that if you did 180's on EVERYTHING from day one then it would just look fake to your W, like tricks to get her back. But if you slowly improve and do more and more 180's over time, then it looks more genuine. So don't sweat it, just keep working on those changes.
