I hope you don't mind that I answer here about your limbo post. I don't want to detract from what you wrote there with my own take on it.
I do think that limbo is a choice. While I have felt cornered at times in this process, I have always known that I have ways out, emergency buttons I could push to make it end. Yet, I have made excuses not to push them. I do realize they are excuses. They are founded in truth and there is concern there. But ultimately they are excuses. Had I really and truly wanted to be out of this situation, I could have gotten myself out.
So why have I not?
I think my need to be free of the situation is less than my fear for how pushing it through would affect him. I think in some way, I am still trying to fix him or soften his blow. I would look him in the eye and ask him what he wants and what he wants me to do and then I would do it for him, but I don't believe that he is capable of answering that question truthfully. And, unlike many, I am financially better off in this limbo than I will be after the resolution. To push it through now would limit what I could do for my kids. I'd rather he spent the money on the kids than the OW or his addictions.
As you know, I'm not religious. But my limited understanding of that kind of limbo is that it refers to babies who die before they are brought into the church. My limbo is of course the other kind, the waiting kind. For me, it is waiting for him to make a decision and stick to it. When I still cared what the outcome would be, when I still hoped in some small way he would come back, that limbo was torture. Once I realized that he doesn't have anything to offer me (other than financially), the limbo became nothing. It was almost like someone cut off the weights that were bearing down on me.
I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Other than this divorce going through, I don't feel like I'm waiting to do anything else. Now when I want to do something, I do it. I don't think for a moment what he would care about it. I find the lawsuit a nuisance. I don't like deadlines being missed. I don't like having to pay lawyers, etc. So for those reasons I am fine if the case gets dismissed. I do think ultimately he and I will reach an agreement between us. One that we can both live with. I think he just needs more time to overcome his fears.
Maybe I also need more time. I was arrogant. I really thought I had married for life and that we would work it out and get through it. I thought I had done the right things and invested the right amount of time, effort and energy. I am really not used to this kind of epic failure, but I am getting there. It is not a societal thing. It is a me thing. I'm unpacking my pride one plume at a time. I'm also figuring out who I am and who I would have been without him. It is a slow journey for me. People like you arrive there much quicker.
