Burned, I have to post again. You've really riled me up. You prob won't like me but tough cookies.
I don't understand why you think life happens TO you. Your interactions with your life are always reactionary. If you sat still for 1 full week and didn't "do" anything but just SIT. What would you want in your life? Not what do you want to happen, or what specific person, or what do you want to fix. But like...if you could do anything what would it be?
Do you sit still? Not laze about after work, but sit STILL. No planning. No thinking about the past.
You need to create something in your life from scratch. Don't take something that happened to you and react. Don't take a nice cookie-cutter life that we're all told to have (meet/date/marry/2.5 kids/dog) and apply it to yourself. You need to do something a little wonky, a little "weird", a little off-kilter and do it because it intrigues you. I don't know what it is, but you need to stop your repetitious thoughts and actions.
I'm hearing someone who is not happy with themselves and that won't change until you just dig up whoever it is you really are and who you are really supposed to be. All those negative traits you listed above - that's your true SELF fighting with whomever you're pretending to be. IThat battle is coming out in negative traits, but I don't think the traits are your true self. You have a major internal battle going on and it has nothing to do with W.
This is not written with the intention of making you feel like you're a bad person. I don't think you are. I'm pretty sure you're not because I actually dated "you" (well, your internet personality doppelganger) in college for two years. So I weirdly feel like I know you because your personality similarities are striking.
What is something in your life that you've really had to fight or fight for? What adversity have you faced, if you feel like sharing? I think you need to remember back to whatever pain or fight you had then, and think about how you walked through it. How you were stronger after. Share your scars, and remember that we didn't get them to look cool. We got them when we had no other choices.
