two steps forward, three steps back (burned)

[burned]

Amoafwl, I will respond to you in a separate post. I don’t think these things don’t work. I think in terms of wholeheartedness and correctness, my grades are C and F, respectively. I have accomplished some of my goals, and I’m starting to see improvements in how I interact with others, along with consistently better moods, fewer bad days, less thinking about her, more detachment. I’m starting to be Me again.

And do you know what Me is? I’m petty, vindictive, passive-aggressive, impatient, selfish, and generally callous. I hide my hateful tendencies under a thin veneer of charm, wit, niceness. I’m arrogant and entitled and prideful. I resent when things don’t work the way I want them to, because I think I’m special and don’t have to put in the work. I blame others for my lack of satisfaction in life. I’m not the good person I’ve duped people into thinking I am. I’m a victim and a fraud. I ask for advice and then I ridicule it, because “I know better.”

I am just like her.

So, speaking of her, I’m just about done with her. I’m strongly contemplating changing my FB marital status to “Separated” (hey, it’s only been what, 6 months?) and watch what happens. Did I mention I’m petty?

It’s not right for me to have to suffer all of the consequences of her actions. I’m done being the scapegoat. I’m done being the “hero.” I’m tired of lying to myself thinking any of this will ever change. I deserve a better life. And my fear has evaporated, because my mind and my conscience are clear. Bring it, woman. You can’t hurt me anymore.

So...pros and cons? Blow this thing up? Make her start to feel the heat? We’re all but divorced anyway. What do I have to lose? We all know the outcome. She’ll never change. I won’t want her back. Too much damage has been done. Time to have a little fun.

(This stuff is mostly sarcastic, but I’m trying to start a good discussion, just for the sake of learning. Grab your 2x4s and smack me around. I can take it now.)