Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 4)

[Twofeet]

Bo,

It may seem petty and rude, but I don’t serve her dinner. She wants a husband, she needs to treat me like one, and she’s not doing that. No thanks.

Did you make the dinner? Then what is the big deal with serving her the dinner? Treat her as a house guest not as the enemy. Its hard to not want to treat them as the enemy at times because of the betrayal you feel, but take the high road. The high road is the hard road, and the hard road leads to the easier life (Kind of stealing from R2C with the last statment).

I tried to validate better this evening: “I understand why you would feel that way, but....”;

My IC told me these things...

Validation is the recognition of a persons emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as something that is understandable. It does not mean agreeing with them. The validation of "I understand why you feel that way" is simply what it states. Ex: I can understand W why you feel like I am being controlling. You are letting W know her feelings are valid, acknowledgement does not equal agreement with her. Take it up a notch.... I can understand W why you feel like I am controlling, if the roles were reversed I might feel the same way. My IC says that in interpersonal relationships men typically think, act, communicate with logic and women typically think, act, and communicate with emotion. For me this was a eureka moment I just never got. If you are ever going to connect to W or a woman on a deeper level you need to communicate with her in a way she feels heard, validation is a big tool to do that.

Remove the word "but" from my vocab when talking to W. But is just a conjunction to negativity that just invalidates the first part of your statement.

She also said to not use "you" statements. You statements are attacking so change them to I statements. Ex:"Hey W you never listen to me" should be changed to "Hey W I just feel like I am never being heard." You change the dynamic from it attacking her as the problem to hey this is how I feel. When you don't attack people don't go on the defensive and are more likely to listen to you, work with you, etc.

Maybe you are doing some of this, but if not I hope it helps prevent conversations from going south. These types of things made it really difficult for W to argue with me. She still tries, and that's why you tie it all in with boundaries.

Remember you are the bad guy so don't be the bad guy.