[quote=kiro] One other thing that makes my sitch atypical is that I initiated BD by discovering her EA. I do not think she ever got into full blown WAW/WW status prior to BD. By the time most LBS realize there is an issue they their S has moved on into full blown WAS/WS mode.
Everywhere I researched on cheating spouses, I found the same recommendation, to not try to stop the A and to let it take its course. In my case, a few days after my W told me she was in love with someone else, I asked her to choose between him and me. She said she chose me, but I'm pretty sure she was lying. (5 months later, she left).
Later on, I started understanding why the recommendation to leave the A take its course. Like everything else about WAS/WW, to be able to reconcile, the WW needs to go through their full cycle and realize by themselves that the grass is not greener on the other side, start seeing their own issues and wanting to come back to the LBS.
If they are pressured by a pursuing LBS, most WWs will run away but I think that some WWs don't have the courage to run and will just give up their fantasy including the A. (This is why, my WW always talked about her courage to leave.). But when they give up their A out of pressure and fear, they continue to fantasize about it and they feel that they have missed out on an opportunity to be happy. In your case, you initiating BD may have caused a similar effect on her. She never got into full blown WW, but she may be still lost.
My 2 cents!
Kiro, very astute.
In our case my W, when I initiated BD, said she was done, wanted out, and nothing I said or did was going to change it. I initially (first 2 days) went into typical LBS mode. Begging, Pleading. Crying. Moping. On day 3 I remembered DB since this was our second go-round (she had an EA in 2005). And completely backed off. I never insisted she end it. I never forced her to choose. I found out later that about 3 weeks after BD the guy himself (a divorced, loser, ex-con, that lived several states away and was 11 years her junior) ended the EA. She went through a few days of withdrawals. Her waywardness didn't end there because she then went on to try to find OM#2. It started with another guy that was several years younger than her, divorced, and even further away (more states). That never made it out of friendship mode with him sending some inappropriate messages mostly about what he and his GF would do sexually.
So I did not force, or give her an ultimatum. I pulled back (with a few lapses) and let her work through her own crap. About 2 1/2 months in she seemed to come out of her waywardness after a couple weeks of her initiating sex with me a lot. I've stated before that after that couple of weeks she told me the insatiable desire for sex seemed to have dissipated, and that coincided with her waywardness fading, and her committing back to the MR. Including engaging fully in MC and doing the homework the MC gave to us.
She is fully committed again. When she detected a change in me a few weeks ago (when I was going through my internal crisis about not wanting to stay), she was distraught for a couple of days. I took people's advice here and told her I was dealing with some feelings and would work through it and let her know later. I then had a discussion with her about some things I was dealing with (not the wanting to leave part). She was very supportive. Even showed some real strong remorse about what she put us through at the end of last year.
I think she is no longer lost, is all in, and is enjoying MR 2.0.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
