I think the idea of ‘bird-nesting’ is absolute trash. Why should I have to pay for / maintain 2 residences because she wants out? It totally sounds like cake-eating because it totally is cake-eating.
Well it's not "trash", sometimes neither parent can afford to keep the family home so this is a way of transitioning without taking the kids out of their "home". Makes it easier for the kids because they're still coming home from school to the same place, they still have the same rooms, and they don't have to pack up and move every week (or every few days). It's not for everyone though. The obvious negative aspect of it is you are still tied to your W. It makes it difficult to start a new R with someone else. Like Vapo said if you S then you're going to have two different places anyway, so I'm not sure I would call it cake-eating.
Quote
She wants out, she needs to leave. If she’s so concerned about the kids, maybe don’t get a divorce?
Lots of anger and frustration in many of your comments. I get it, but you need to work on getting past it. Keep in mind that your W is confused and spinning and desperate. Deep down inside she doesn't know what she wants, but she's desperate to get out of what she sees as a very negative marriage and this is her "last resort". Your job isn't to throw the door open and shove her out with negative behavior. As 25 is fond of saying, "keep the way home paved and smooth". Think about that and what that means. You can't drive her home. But you CAN tear the hell out of that road to where she CAN'T drive home. Or you can keep that road smooth and maintained and the destination (you) attractive so that she WANTS to make that drive later.
Quote
It may seem petty and rude, but I don’t serve her dinner. She wants a husband, she needs to treat me like one, and she’s not doing that. No thanks.
Back in the mid 80's I started my first professional job after college. I roomed with a guy working at the same firm. We both got some very menial tasks assigned to us. I was just happy to be getting paid for stuff, but he complained about it non-stop. He decided he was going to do a crappy job at it so that they would have to give him something better. I looked at him and said "If you want to do something better, then do the best job they have ever seen at these menial tasks, because then they will say 'wow this guy is too valuable to be doing grunt work'." He didn't heed my advice and eventually got laid off while I went on to be an associate principal in the firm. I'm sure you see my point, if you want to be her H then quit acting like a spoiled little brat who's not getting his way and is going to stomp his feet and pout and cross his arms until he does get it (NGS). Negative behavior only gets rewarded in dysfunctional relationships. Now I'm not saying to go overboard trying to "be her husband" either, but again it's about "lovingly" detaching. Show her love and respect despite how she is treating you and the M. Take the moral high road.
Quote
The thing about GAL is, and this may sound very NGS, but what about the kids? I help with the kids at night, especially the youngest, and I don’t want to miss time with them if I can help it. Won’t she get all bent out of shape that I’m not around?
Honestly it's tough to GAL when you are still living together. If you don't GAL then you are there all the time and not giving her space. If you do GAL then she sees you as skipping out on your responsibilities. It's really a no-win situation. Personally I think that as long as you are under the same roof and when you have small kids you should give her the respect of letting her know when you are going to be out of the house. I'm not saying to tell her where you are going and what you're doing, but give her advanced notice so she can plan for it. And offer to watch the kids so she can get out too. A lot of LBS's think it's "good" to suddenly be gone ALL THE TIME and leave their WAS stuck home taking care of the kids. No, that's how a lot of marriages break up in the first place.
Quote
Admittedly, it is kinda hard to treat her with respect right now, with what she is trying to do to me and our family. I have very little respect towards all that. But I need to keep in mind showing her happiness and contentment, although it’s really difficult right now.
Well her point of view is this is all YOUR fault. You think it's all her fault, so you end up with two people harboring a ton of anger and resentment towards each other. That's a D waiting to happen. DB'ing is all about NOT being angry, resentful and disrespectful even when she is. Like Michele says, it takes one to tango. You are that one, not your W. RISE ABOVE.
Quote
We also had a discussion earlier tonight, while I was making OS’ lunch. W asked me if I reviewed the parenting plan. I told her that I started to do that.
She wants to know when I’ll have it reviewed. I told her that I will continue to review it and when it is reviewed it is reviewed.
She wants to know when she will have an answer. A week, a month, never? I told that I will continue to review it and when I am ready I will get back with her.
W then goes on about how I *always* (there’s that word again) say I’m gonna do things but then I never actually follow up. I have looked it over, briefly.
Quit stonewalling her and delaying things. She asked you a simple question, you owe her an answer. Tell her something like "let me finish looking at it and think about it and we'll talk tomorrow evening, does that work for you?" She's telling you what you need to do 180's on. DO THEM!
Quote
I tried to validate better this evening: “I understand why you would feel that way, but....”;
The word "but" has no place in validation!!!! When you use that word you completely unravel your attempt at validation.
