13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[SoTorn]

I think that's q good response. She asked a logistical question and you answered. Yes everything else she can do on her own.

My WWs car got crashed. I am always the one who deals with the cars. I did nothing to help. It took her five months to get her car repaired. She eventually figured it out.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So just finished a hectic morning consisting of meetings and catching up one some work related stuff that I am no happy to be finished with, because I am back on track with no left behind issues regarding work.

Not spinning as much today as I have been lately, and appreciate the feedback from yesterday. Woke this morning energized and happy about the day I have ahead of me. I have a meeting in an hours time, and then I am heading off for a gym session with my brother in law. I feel like I have a lot of stuffed up energy I need to get out of my system, so I am gonna go all out today, looking forward to it.

WW texted me at 5.45 this morning asking in a very formal tone about S1s winter clothings (if they were in kindergarten or at home), and I didn't see the text until 8.20. My first thought was that it was too late by now, and to just not respond, but I texted: "I haven't been by the phone before now, sorry. Im sure you figured the clothing out by now".

Later she texted me again about D4 sleeping in her own room (she hasn't been wanting too for the last couple of months - insecurity and nightmares. I know it wasn't a text I needed to respond to, but it made me happy. I wrote "Thank you for letting me know. It is really nice of you to comfort D4 into wanting to sleep in her own bed. I appreciate that."

Then she instantly responded with some follow up chit chat, that I just let pass and didn't respond to as it had nothing to do with kids or finances.

WW is pretty bad at keeping track of her finances, and is generally not used to take care of anything regarding this, so she doesn't quite have the cash available to her as she did when we shared everything. Today she deleted a IC appointment she had planned next week, (she had it in the shared calendar we use for kids related stuff). I am guessing she is either very content with me being out the door and her having life to herself with OM, or the fact that she doesn't have money for it and decided to not go because of that. Anyways, its my NGS kicking in, because its none of my damn business and no longer my damn problem. (I even for a short second thought of helping her pay for IC - then realized that I wouldn't be able to look my self in the mirror if I did that).

So tomorrow I am going to go home to take the kids to gymnastics, haven't seen them since friday. I am looking forward to it. Then when they sleep I will be going to my parents again. And then friday I get them, and I am looking forward to that.

So for the rest of the week I got a trip planned to the cinema, a couple of good long runs, 3 more workouts, two coffee hangouts with friends, going to buy some new clothes, and then relax and recharge, so I am ready to just have a lot of fun and have surplus on the mental account before I get the kids for 7 days, so I can really be there 100% for them. Living with my parents aren't exactly ideal, but hey, its actually alright because I haven't seen them that much lately, so we get to catch up, and with me GAL a lot, its not like we get on each others nerves, since im out of the house a lot of the time anyways.. My parents ask a lot of questions regarding my sitch, and they are really angry with WW, so I am trying to divert the conversations whenever they ask, because its not really helping me either. I think they are slowly realizing that I don't want to talk about it .

When I see WW: upbeat, happy, smiling, listening, validating and otherwise in STFU mode.

Today is great.

[neffer]

That´s the attitude man!

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So yesterday was a good day, but it was packed from morning to evening, so that took my mind off of a lot of things. I left the house (parents place) at 07.00 and I wasn't home there again before 23.00.

I talked to D4 on the phone when I drove from work to my sisters. She said she missed me a lot and asked who I was with and where I was, which did hurt, however I could hear WW in the background telling her to ask me other stuff. I did however take my time to answer her questions as well as possible with little white lies, as she is not yet informed of mom and dads situation. She seemed pleased with the answers, and after a bit of chit chat, she said she loved me and just hung up like she does, haha .

Tomorrow is WWs birthday. and today I will be going home to take the kids to sports and tug them in - in the same time I will be leaving presents from the kids. Tomorrow I will text her "Happy birthday, WW. Have a good day." That is basically what how much I will be engaging in the day, that was once so very special to me, and its fine.

I sat in the car after having spoken to D4 yesterday, and I realized (again), that holy cow, WW is another person, she doesn't love me, so why do I hang on to something that is no more. I realized, that it might come around in the future, but it will be another lovestory if it happens, the old one is gone. I was shaking and firmly said 10 times "I deserve better than this, so does my kids". It was a good feeling. I just have to live that feeling instead of going down cheesiness tunnels with me trying to mindread every action she takes. Fact is, she chose the OM over me (even said that to my face), and I need to love my self in order to fully heal and be able to love and care for my kids 100%.

Goals:

1: MAIN GOAL: Keep reminding myself, that the girl I loved so dearly and still do, is a ghost. A thought at most. Let that thought go, cherish the thought of what was, but I need to stop living like that thought is still a real thing.

2. Whenever I do keep the main goal as a focus point, I feel empowered, I felt REALLY good about myself after smashing 2 hours in the gym yesterday. I had several girls eyeballing me, but I am so shy and clearly not ready to engage in any type of conversation, so I just minded my own business and boy, my body is completely wrecked today, but it feels amazing.I can feel my confidence level skyrocketing whenever I do things for my self.

3. Find the balance where I don't care about the ghost / my imagination of who WW is, because she is no longer that person, and is living a new life with a new boyfriend (main goal again). But still treat her with respect (always do), validate, listen and STFU (wasn't very good at this - so whenever she talks, I will listen, STFU, and validate if I can figure out how to).

4. Use my time out of the house to GAL, heal and take care of my own well being. That will make me able to be 100% "charged" and ready to be there for my kids when I have them. I will be shutting down using my phone so much when I have my kids, as time with them are valuable, and I can use that bloody thing when they sleep.

5. Hopefully get the house sold as soon as possible, so I can sort a more permanent living situation for my self. My sitch is somewhat different than most here, because there is no waiting for Divoce to be finalized or anything since we are not married, so there is no time "in between" to make WW change her mind. She has already left me, and she is just waiting for the house to sell so she can get an apartment and live her new life with OM to the fullest. So I am going to just let them live their lives, and me and my kids will live ours. Maybe down the line, she realizes what she gave up on.

6. Love myself, every second of every minute of every day. I am a good person, I have a lot to give. I have learned A LOT from her leaving me. I have already made several 180s on how I interact and take responsibility for my daily live, and the lives of people around me, especially my kids.

7. Let go, and enjoy the life I have, and every day work on being the best dad, friend and man that I can be.

8. Not let her get to me whenever she seems unreasonable. I am used to just caving in. I will be reasonable, but I will have me and my kids interests as my top priority. No more NGS, which will be really hard but I am working on it. this does not mean I will behave like a jerk. Still STFU'ing, still listening and still validating, but whatever her response is to my answers on things I don't agree with, I will handle it. Thats better than me adjusting my answer to the response I hope to get out of her, and giving up on things that are good for me and the kids.

Sorry for wall of text.

/h

[AnotherStander]

I sat in the car after having spoken to D4 yesterday, and I realized (again), that holy cow, WW is another person, she doesn't love me, so why do I hang on to something that is no more. I realized, that it might come around in the future, but it will be another lovestory if it happens, the old one is gone. I was shaking and firmly said 10 times "I deserve better than this, so does my kids". It was a good feeling. I just have to live that feeling instead of going down cheesiness tunnels with me trying to mindread every action she takes. Fact is, she chose the OM over me (even said that to my face), and I need to love my self in order to fully heal and be able to love and care for my kids 100%.

That really sums it up right there. The person that we fell in love with and married is gone. I think we have so much trouble accepting that because they still look like the same person. But for whatever reason, the old person is gone and some new person is inhabiting the old body. When I read some of the piecing threads like Steve's or Joe2017's or Blu's it's pretty clear that even if one gets to the piecing phase the challenges are just as great if not even greater. There's no going back to what we had, it's gone. Even if we start down a new path with the WAS it's not going to be the nirvana we imagine it to be. Not sure if you saw JoeJoe1's post in Joe2017's thread, but he said his combat experience in Iraq and horrible loss of his grandmother in Katrina pale in comparison to piecing with his formerly adulterous wife, WOW is that ever a testament to just how difficult piecing is. So yes, we're all going through (or went through) a life change and letting go of the old life is the most difficult part of it. But once we do, there's a great sense of freedom that comes with it.

[ballast]

Hurt...continued prayers and encouragement to you in your sitch! Finally seems like you have started turning the corner towards saving yourself and it's a great thing to hear your words that reflect it.

That really sums it up right there. The person that we fell in love with and married is gone. I think we have so much trouble accepting that because they still look like the same person. But for whatever reason, the old person is gone and some new person is inhabiting the old body. When I read some of the piecing threads like Steve's or Joe2017's or Blu's it's pretty clear that even if one gets to the piecing phase the challenges are just as great if not even greater. There's no going back to what we had, it's gone. Even if we start down a new path with the WAS it's not going to be the nirvana we imagine it to be. Not sure if you saw JoeJoe1's post in Joe2017's thread, but he said his combat experience in Iraq and horrible loss of his grandmother in Katrina pale in comparison to piecing with his formerly adulterous wife, WOW is that ever a testament to just how difficult piecing is. So yes, we're all going through (or went through) a life change and letting go of the old life is the most difficult part of it. But once we do, there's a great sense of freedom that comes with it.

THIS ^^^^ Since in the almost a year that I've heard zippo from my WW in my sitch, for whatever reason (I guess for my own healing) I went past the whole current status of my sitch and focused on could/would I ever want her back AND what Stander says and what some folks are dealing with now on here is exactly the conclusion I came to. Accepting the reality of what I would confront IF she ever came back, actually made it WAY easier for me to accept the current status of my sitch. Perhaps a weird way to heal, but it's helped me immensely. Bottom line I would see my WW as tainted and so could never get back.

-B

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So yesterday after work I drove the the house. I had an hour to kill before picking the kids up for their gymnastics. When I came in the door it didn't smell very nice, and the house was in a "lousy" condition. The floors were filthy, the tabletops were all greasy and all of the curtains were down.

First of all I know, how hard it is to be alone with 2 little people in the morning, but this just looked like a woman that had prioritized getting herself all fancy every morning and neglecting the household. I don't care if she looks her finest, she is another woman now, and just a shell of what she was to me. Funny thing is, I kinda stood there and laughed at the mess, because I know that the "picture" she is creating of herself towards OM is gonna crumble, when she is now gonna spend 7 days every other week there. She will begin to slide and show him the real person she is, exiting how that folds out (not saying this out of expectations - because I don't need a teenager in my life, I already godt two little angels that takes up my time).

I cleaned the house, then went to gymnastics with my two little ones for 2 hours. Apparently WW was gonna cook up some pasta (its easy, and she does this way to often), so I had bought some chicken, broccoli's and rice. When we arrived home, she had cooked it, and the kids liked it. She even said, that it tasted really good. Hopefully she will begin cooking something else than pasta for them (I doubt it, but I have hopes).

I tugged in the kids, then she wanted to small talk about the kids. I validated her feelings as much as I was able to and then I told her, that I had an appointment and really had to get going, said goodbye and left.

Today is her birthday. It is really hard, because I LOVE birthdays, and especially if its not my own, but people I care about that are having it. I love cooking / going out, and just showing them how special they are to me. But this person is gone, so this year is different. I am not going to be part of her special day. OM has my place, but OM also has it with a girl I don't recognize no more, so I guess its not like I should feel like left out, its another story. Our story has ended.

I texted her "Happy birthday, WW. In the dresser you will find something from the kids". She texted "Uuuh, how interesting, I am so exited and will tjek it out immediately". Seconds later "Awwwww, that was so sweet, Hurt... Thank you, it means a lot (heart emoji) (blushing smiley)." <--- Didn't respond to either. There was no mention of any of this being from me. It was small gesture presents from the kids and nothing more.

So, today I am working, doing some groceries for D4s birthday party friday for her daycare. Then a 2 hour workout followed by an early sleep at parents place.

The thought of WW actually being a ghost of the past. That the person I love(d), is no more. That is a really strong mental help for me. I say it to myself whenever I feel like im beginning to spin or going down cheesless tunnels (mind reading her actions or behaviors).

She asked if I could take the kids next friday to saturday, because there is a big party she is invited to, and she would like to attend it. <-- I know that this is with OM, it stings little, but it doesn't hurt, I think thats positive. The only thing I thought about when she asked was, hey... I get another day with the kids, and have no plans, so absolutely.

One day at a time, Hurt213 will be stronger, better, happier and the best version of me that I can be.

[LH19]

I have some questions and comments for you below.

She will begin to slide and show him the real person she is, exiting how that folds out (not saying this out of expectations - because I don't need a teenager in my life, I already got two little angels that takes up my time).

So when I read this I am hearing that the real person is not a very likable person and OM will dump her. If this is the case, why do you want her back so badly?

I cleaned the house, then went to gymnastics with my two little ones for 2 hours.

Why are you cleaning the house for her? That is approval seeking behavior.

Apparently WW was gonna cook up some pasta (its easy, and she does this way to often), so I had bought some chicken, broccoli's and rice. When we arrived home, she had cooked it, and the kids liked it. She even said, that it tasted really good.

So you bought her dinner? Approval seeking behavior.

I tugged in the kids, then she wanted to small talk about the kids. I validated her feelings as much as I was able to and then I told her, that I had an appointment and really had to get going, said goodbye and left.

I am just curious to what you are validating. Can you give an example?

I texted her "Happy birthday, WW. In the dresser you will find something from the kids". She texted "Uuuh, how interesting, I am so exited and will tjek it out immediately". Seconds later "Awwwww, that was so sweet, Hurt... Thank you, it means a lot (heart emoji) (blushing smiley)." <--- Didn't respond to either. There was no mention of any of this being from me. It was small gesture presents from the kids and nothing more.

Again approval seeking behavior and you where looking for a reaction. Do you know how I know? You mentioned the emojis. Then by not responding to her thank you you are trying to justify more approval seeking behavior.

So, today I am working, doing some groceries for D4s birthday party friday for her daycare. Then a 2 hour workout followed by an early sleep at parents place.

That's awesome!

The thought of WW actually being a ghost of the past. That the person I love(d), is no more. That is a really strong mental help for me. I say it to myself whenever I feel like im beginning to spin or going down cheesless tunnels (mind reading her actions or behaviors).

You are really spinning Hurt. All your posts are about her.

The only thing I thought about when she asked was, hey... I get another day with the kids, and have no plans, so absolutely.

Yep that is the only thing that matters.

H,

This is really hard and you are having a difficult time but you have to know that nothing you do is going to effect the outcome. Every time you do something nice for her it just lowers your value in her eyes. I really wish you could see her for what she really is right now. I dislike her more then any WW on this board for the way she is treating you.

One day at a time my friend.

[Hurt213]

Hi LH19,

As always I appreciate your direct and honest approach, and I will try and answer your questions here:


I dont know how to quote so here goes:

1. So when I read this I am hearing that the real person is not a very likable person and OM will dump her. If this is the case, why do you want her back so badly?

Answer: I am talking about the ghost she is, and the ghost I know she is, because the person who loved me is no longer. However, this is a concept I need to mentally process, and you are right, detachment would be not caring how she turns out to be with OM, but I have ways to go there. I guess in my mind, if she ends it with OM, she will return to being who she was when we were happy and life was good - I know from a logical point of view, that this is not the case, but my feelings get the better of me from time to time still.

2. Why are you cleaning the house for her? That is approval seeking behavior.

Answer: Actually, this, how hard it might be to trust my words the truth. It was not for her. I came to the house to pick up the kids for gymnastics. She was at work and I had an hour before the kids were to be picked up. So I saw the mess and decided to clean the house because of my kids and the fact that I felt bad for them having to stay in that - thats as honest as it gets. Her room is a complete mess with clothings everywhere, makeup and

3. So you bought her dinner? Approval seeking behavior.

Answer: I guess you are somewhat right here to be fair. I bought the meal because I am sick and tired of the fact that she cooks easy fast meals with no nutrition for the kids. I know this is none of my business whenever she has the kids, but it sickens me. because her using her mental energy and time on OM, makes her skip corners when it comes to my kids wellbeing (aka healthy meals), and I guess I tried to influence that by, and have before, bringing meals when I come home. I know, that she has to make her own dumb decisions and live in her own mess, however when my kids are involved its hard on me. Hope that makes sense.

4. I am just curious to what you are validating. Can you give an example?

Answer: One of the things she mentioned: She had some information regarding D4 having acted out in daycare, being fussy and not being able to calm down - (reaction to all of this perhaps) and that made her sad and worried. So Basically I wanted to say "Yea, well maybe if you didn't go around screwing another man, and thereby ruining your family, these issues would not be issues. However I said "I can understand how the feedback regarding D4 from the daycare must have been hard to hear" <-- Not trying to solve the problem or justify it, just acknowledging it.


5. Again approval seeking behavior and you where looking for a reaction. Do you know how I know? You mentioned the emojis. Then by not responding to her thank you you are trying to justify more approval seeking behavior.

Answer: So here you wanted me to respond with a "you're welcome"? I thought I was to keep it as dim as possible. I merely acknowledged her birthday, but did not think I should engage in textual conversation.

I am a freaking yoyo. spinning up and down. However I realize ,that I can go hours now, without thinking about her. Yesterday I smashed it in the gym. Again, eyecontact with couple of girls, and it really is nice. I am also seeing what the world has to offer, and one MAJOR thing. 1.5 years ago S1 was born, and couple of months later, she moved her mattress from her bed into his room, so we could take turns sleeping in there. At first I was like alright, then that thought moved to "Hey? We aren't sleeping in the same bed anymore, and I dont mind getting up at night and go to his room to feed or comfort him?" She was afraid we wouldn't be able to hear him even with the babymonitor on. So the pattern continued.

I am 100% positive, that that contributed in a huge way to this sitch. We ended up being to people taking care of kids, not sleeping in the same room and just cohabiting. It saddens me to say, but I can't remake a memory in my head of when me and WW last slept in the same bed. At the same time this is rocket fuel to my understanding of how bad this was, and if anything ever is to be with me and her again (who knows), then it needs to be completely different. Because.... I need to be in a relationship with a woman that wants to go to bed next to me every night, a woman that wants to tuck herself into my arms and fall asleep safe and comfortably. This I am missing SO much...

Today is a long day at work. Then going to house to make ready for D4s birthday tomorrow and then WW will leave tomorrow night when the birthday party is done.

/h

[ballast]

Hurt, I think you are more in a continual transition with your feelings than being a yoyo. Reality is that on your journey of detaching you are going to take some steps back as you keep moving forward. From LH's questions with which I agree, there's still a fair bit of you seeking W's approval and/or some covert contracts like if I do this, she will think/do this and the text reply in which you reference the emojis she used, that comes across as some hopefullness/what did she mean by that type feel in your mentioning it. Bottom line you are not going to go full stop from attached to detached, just some ways/things that you are doing/saying which show you still have further work to do. Time will help that. Don't beat yourself up on being a yoyo, you will go up and down as you go along and that's normal. Main thing is you recognize it and as you do work to get back to the positive side of detaching and moving yourself forward.

The impact of children on a marriage, for sure that can be a HUGE factor for many of us. I know for a fact it was in my sitch. I think there's the real aspect that motherhood and it's demands can have a huge and sometimes negative impact on our wives. I know mine felt tremendous stress and worried about failing and had lots of anxiety as a result. When I read of your wife worrying that she wouldn't hear him with the baby monitor on, that resonates with me. Was moving the mattress in there soley a result of that concern of her's or was it a convenient excuse to conceal deeper issues she had in the relationship, who knows. Thing is as I've learned in my sitch, many times it is very hard to see how something in the past done with the best of intentions could end up manifesting itself as the cause of problems in the future. You can't change the past and seemingly that was all done with the best of intentions so as to take care of your S1. Just don't beat yourself up over it.

Lastly, enjoy D4's birthday party. Be sure to soak it all in and take lots of pictures and video. Whenever you find yourself yoyo'ing pull those up and watch/look at them. That is the "good stuff" of your life now. It will keep you going on the right path no matter what your W does.

-B