A familiar story with questions EIGHT

[RR17]

Thanks, Sandi

Do you mean you will confront her about the SSM and then give her to the end of the year to change it? Man, you have a lot of patience! I'm sure you've heard that women need to make up before they want to have sex. Men want to have sex in order to make up. That situation can become the stand off throughout the M, b/c each spouse is waiting on the other one to make the necessary moves.

It kind of sounds like your plan is to lay it out to her that you aren't going to stay in a sexless M forever, and then wait for her to deliver. I have two thoughts about it. One is that it may shock her a little to be approached with a blunt statement of this sort. Frankly, I don't think it is a bad thing to do, b/c we women tend to think we control how much sex the M has. Sorry to say that there are some who don't really understand or care to consider what it does to a man to go without it for long periods of time. Maybe she needs that frank realization to hit her in the face that you don't have to live without sex, and you won't. As long as you realize the risk involved in making that statement to her.

Exactly, I want to both remind, inform, yes, perhaps shock, W to the fact that I too have options and one is to not stay in a sexless marriage.
I believe that my W likes a lot about the changes that have happened in our MR. I believe that she may think that if the MR were to include sex that some of those changes might go away. I have expressed in the past that I have felt that it was a type of "Hold back" in an effort to control. A sign that Everything is honkie dory.

I'm setting a healthy boundary. IMO

My second thought is about what you do after making that statement. If you have the idea you'll tell her, and then you'll sit and wait on her to initiate sex.......you may be waiting a longer time than you thought. That sit and wait on her attitude can result in building a higher barrier between the two of you.

BINGO! This I realize. I can't just wait with bated breath. I will have to manage my own expectation. I realize the agreeing to ease back into a physical relationship and W initiating are on two different levels. In her stubborn mind, I think initiating could be perceived by her as a sort of defeat. Stupid thinking but who knows.

I expect to enact a 2 pronged approach.

I will tell her when the time is right. I will make it as non-threatening as possible. And as stated, STFU. I will allow W to processes it.
I will give her some time to respond. Perhaps initiate or a rebuttal, whatever. I will plan my response which will be to validate and listen, yet STFU.

If after a while I see no movement from W I will try a mild initiation. I know that depending on how this info is received W will not respond well to pressure. Knowing this, I will try to plan my approach from a position of making it easier for W and not of pressured obligation. Understand?

I want to encourage you to think of ways of breaking this down as you try to reach your main goal of having a M with sex. I've already suggested to start giving non-sexual touches, and that was around the first of December. Here it is eight days into a new year, and you are still waiting for the right opportunity. Come on, RR!! The woman was sick in bed, and you couldn't touch her face to see if she felt too warm, or pat her shoulder when you went to check on her? This isn't good. It means you've gone so long with no type of physical touch that it may well affect the ability to ease back into showing any physical affection. I mean, I understand how a couple gets to this point of no type of touching, but it is really sad and it often reflects their relationship, IMO. You're making this harder than necessary.

I got a little tickled reading this. You are so right. Although I did take a few opportunities to feel her head for fever etc. But she was very sick and I didn't get the impression that these touches were received like affectionate touches. This W was sick. I've never seen her so sick in 24 years. She wanted to sleep.
But you are also correct in saying that a couple can go so long without touch that the mear idea seems awkward and almost impossible.
One of my first attempts was not well received. At the beginning of December we went to a Mexican restaurant and as W went into the door in front of me I put my hand softly on her back. She spun around and said, "Why are you pushing me?" Yea, wow. But I did continue. With a bit of trepidation.

Yes, I am going to take the lead. That is what this is more about than just getting my rocks off. Hopefully, I have demonstrated that I don't expect to just sit and wait. That would be an "implied contract". I am simply letting W know where I currently am and what I don't plan to tolerate indefinitely.

Thanks again!