13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So yesterday after work I drove the the house. I had an hour to kill before picking the kids up for their gymnastics. When I came in the door it didn't smell very nice, and the house was in a "lousy" condition. The floors were filthy, the tabletops were all greasy and all of the curtains were down.

First of all I know, how hard it is to be alone with 2 little people in the morning, but this just looked like a woman that had prioritized getting herself all fancy every morning and neglecting the household. I don't care if she looks her finest, she is another woman now, and just a shell of what she was to me. Funny thing is, I kinda stood there and laughed at the mess, because I know that the "picture" she is creating of herself towards OM is gonna crumble, when she is now gonna spend 7 days every other week there. She will begin to slide and show him the real person she is, exiting how that folds out (not saying this out of expectations - because I don't need a teenager in my life, I already godt two little angels that takes up my time).

I cleaned the house, then went to gymnastics with my two little ones for 2 hours. Apparently WW was gonna cook up some pasta (its easy, and she does this way to often), so I had bought some chicken, broccoli's and rice. When we arrived home, she had cooked it, and the kids liked it. She even said, that it tasted really good. Hopefully she will begin cooking something else than pasta for them (I doubt it, but I have hopes).

I tugged in the kids, then she wanted to small talk about the kids. I validated her feelings as much as I was able to and then I told her, that I had an appointment and really had to get going, said goodbye and left.

Today is her birthday. It is really hard, because I LOVE birthdays, and especially if its not my own, but people I care about that are having it. I love cooking / going out, and just showing them how special they are to me. But this person is gone, so this year is different. I am not going to be part of her special day. OM has my place, but OM also has it with a girl I don't recognize no more, so I guess its not like I should feel like left out, its another story. Our story has ended.

I texted her "Happy birthday, WW. In the dresser you will find something from the kids". She texted "Uuuh, how interesting, I am so exited and will tjek it out immediately". Seconds later "Awwwww, that was so sweet, Hurt... Thank you, it means a lot (heart emoji) (blushing smiley)." <--- Didn't respond to either. There was no mention of any of this being from me. It was small gesture presents from the kids and nothing more.

So, today I am working, doing some groceries for D4s birthday party friday for her daycare. Then a 2 hour workout followed by an early sleep at parents place.

The thought of WW actually being a ghost of the past. That the person I love(d), is no more. That is a really strong mental help for me. I say it to myself whenever I feel like im beginning to spin or going down cheesless tunnels (mind reading her actions or behaviors).

She asked if I could take the kids next friday to saturday, because there is a big party she is invited to, and she would like to attend it. <-- I know that this is with OM, it stings little, but it doesn't hurt, I think thats positive. The only thing I thought about when she asked was, hey... I get another day with the kids, and have no plans, so absolutely.

One day at a time, Hurt213 will be stronger, better, happier and the best version of me that I can be.