Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 4)

[Bo562]

Agree to this if you want to feel like garbage and serve up cake every day.

I think the idea of ‘bird-nesting’ is absolute trash. Why should I have to pay for / maintain 2 residences because she wants out? It totally sounds like cake-eating because it totally is cake-eating. That’s mostly what I want to consult with an L for. She wants out, she needs to leave. If she’s so concerned about the kids, maybe don’t get a divorce?

At that point, who cares what she's doing? You'd be done. Only bitter, mean people still worry about their exes like that. My dad does it, it's super annoying and petty. Anyways, you're out there worrying about things that haven't happened.

Thanks to that, I’m starting tonight to concern myself less and less with what she does. Whenever I find myself thinking about ‘oh she seems like her old self’ or ‘oh what’s she gonna do when...’ I change the subject in my head. I say to myself “Stop it, Bo. Just don’t worry about her. She’s not worried about you.” Trying to detach like that.

You're angry, bitter, and over analyzing lots.

Yeah, pretty much. Gotta change that.

You contradict yourself as well. You say the silence is awkward, but then when she makes small talk that you "aren't having it". So you are confusing her. Why? B/c you're emotional. You need to give up on what you can't control, and realize that you can't control it - therefore why get worked up over it. It's like driving in traffic. There's lots of annoying people doing annoying things and yelling and getting mad at them only makes your drive worse. So stop getting mad at them and just expect them to do these things.

I think I admitted to a self-contradiction in my post about that, but I know I can’t lose my cool because of her.

If you're still in thee house, maybe you can help your W or be a little more friendly.

Still in the house. I help make dinner, help out where I can, and I wash bottles / pump parts—but that one is for YS (she only benefits indirectly—she needs the pump parts for YS). It may seem petty and rude, but I don’t serve her dinner. She wants a husband, she needs to treat me like one, and she’s not doing that. No thanks.

As for getting a lawyer, she hasn't filed so you don't need one yet. But go ahead and consult several and see what they say. A lot of initial consultations are free.

You need to get out a couple nights a week to the bar or join a league or something. If you want to save yourself and your marriage your W needs to see and feel you actually moving on with your life. Quit worrying about her all the time and make yourself happy, stop being bitter, and treat her with respect. GAL, quit worrying that you don't have control over her. This is the summary of everything you posted. Almost every problem you've wrote about here can be solved by this. And if you have the book, read the LRT section.

Okay, good to hear about getting an L right now. I’ve apparently been checking the wrong places for an initial consult—they’re looking at a couple hundred dollars for the consult. Yikes. My employee has an EAP, may look there too.

GAL needs to happen more. You’re right that I need to stop worrying about her—she clearly isn’t worried or doesn’t care about me.

The thing about GAL is, and this may sound very NGS, but what about the kids? I help with the kids at night, especially the youngest, and I don’t want to miss time with them if I can help it. Won’t she get all bent out of shape that I’m not around? But then again, she’s trying to fire me anyway—she only wants me around on her terms.

Admittedly, it is kinda hard to treat her with respect right now, with what she is trying to do to me and our family. I have very little respect towards all that. But I need to keep in mind showing her happiness and contentment, although it’s really difficult right now.

I do have the book, and read LRT earlier today. I’ll need to keep reading it and implement it.