The story in my mind is becoming clearer, which does not make my choice to wait any easier.
The story is W's need for individuation. W had her first exclusive relationship at 15; from then, she really never went through an extended period of being alone. W derives much of her sense of identity from her childhood family, and then from our family of which she is mom.
W describes much of her sense of unhappiness with me in terms of emotional agitation whenever I express emotions inconsistent with hers. I can understand, intellectually, how a lack of individuation might cause W to be so caught up with my existence as the the reason for her happiness or unhappiness, even when it is not my behavior but rather my honesty with my emotions that trouble her. W affirmed this in recent conversations.
I can also understand--INTELLECTUALLY--why W would now feel she must be apart from me to find a sense of peace and to find a sense of herself.
I would rejoice if W said to me: "I need 3 years for myself. To find out who I am apart from you. To define my sense of inner joy that is independent of you." I would give her the space she needed. And wait while I went about my own business.
My hypothesis (and it is just that) stirs my compassion towards her. But it does not make the sitch any easier to work through. But this is the existential state for many of us LBSpouses, is it not?
