Well I guess my "15 minutes of fame" is over. I did get a good laugh out of Joseph's comment and still laugh at LH19's every time I read it. I most certainly was not looking to knock anyone out - I just call them as I see them and try to hold everyone, including myself accountable to the truth. It's so amazing how most all of us are able to see other people sitch's so much clearer than our own and tend to rationalize that what we are doing is different than someone else. I guess what LH19 pulled out to highlight was a perfect example of that.
As for me, I feel like I'm back to my, "don't really care, whatever," baseline. Parts of that are good - but I guess the underlying is not the best. I was mainly so focused on the fact that I first thought that someone I had at least some level of trust for would bail on me and not even have the guts to tell me, which then broadened to me feeling like you just can't trust anyone - coupled with the fallout on so many levels... Now that all of that is not the case - and evidently never was - I'm back to facing next week.
Part of me is relieved as there is absolutely zero pressure on me now. That's how it should have been all along, and as much as I would have tried to play it that way, I know there would have been some level of pressure to enjoy my week long "date," and make sure she did too. Now I just can enjoy my week long cruise and Wild Girl is responsible for her own happiness - which is how it should have been all along. But let's be honest, things are different when you are on a date with someone versus like when I took my female friends to lunch or dinner. Part of me is really relieved and happy about it. Another part is disappointed it won't be the vacation I was thinking it would be 4 months ago.
Oddly enough, it's probably the best of both worlds and clearly what I said I wanted when this all started about 11 months ago. I mean, take out all of the hiccups and speed bumps on the way to get here, I'm getting pretty much exactly what I said I wanted all along - just perhaps without the benefits piece. And sadly, that's sort of what I'm back wanting again - talking about life in general here, not just the cruise.
I feel like I'm back to keeping it all at arms length and "safe". At least right now it is. Having "more" might be nice but dang it just doesn't seem worth all of the added angst. I'm clearly looking for a needle in a haystack in the type of woman I'm looking for. I don't doubt there are a few like her out there - but it really is like looking for a zebra in the horse field. I'm really back to not caring again. I can't even bring myself to reach out to online girl or Swedish Goddess. The last contact with each was about a week ago - and no I've not heard from them either so there is that. I"m not sad, I'm not mad, I'm not upset in the least. I'm pretty indifferent other than seeing the past summer with a laser focus for what it was.
I'll be coming up on 14 years since bomb drop this summer. Wow - 14 years! It really probably is time to just accept that what I've had these past years is going to be my life. It just is. Of everyone that was here with me 14 years ago, I don't think anyone would have predicted I'd go 14 years without truly falling in love. I on the other hand did. Perhaps it's self-fulfilling.
On a plus side, my Europe trip is now confirmed. I'll be flying over there in April. As I said - I do not get to - read that as HAVE TO - find a guest to go - it's just me (well and a dozen others). One of the cruise candidates invited me to visit her out west. If it happens at all, that would likely be a Fall trip as Phoenix in the summer.... yeah I don't think so. And the daughter of the lady who hired us for an NYE afternoon event invited me to come ride horses with her. I've not done that in forever and am really excited. Neither woman would qualify as my needle in a haystack girl but both will be fun GAL activities that also might turn into FWB activities. That just seems to be where I am. Neither has dated much if at all in the past three years - in fact I've dated way more than either of them.
And if I sound down or depressed, I've got an infection going on from a tooth that started to abscess. At least I caught it quickly but it's really got me run down and I'm sure that's transferring to my mood. Hey, better this week than next. 9 more days until Wild Girl arrives and vacation begins. I know this will still be a lot of fun - perhaps even more fun than I ever thought. I just know it will be different than I was thinking it would be.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
I did get a good laugh out of Joseph's comment and still laugh at LH19's every time I read it. I most certainly was not looking to knock anyone out - I just call them as I see them and try to hold everyone, including myself accountable to the truth. It's so amazing how most all of us are able to see other people sitch's so much clearer than our own and tend to rationalize that what we are doing is different than someone else. I guess what LH19 pulled out to highlight was a perfect example of that.