Uncertain of What I Have (Thread 4)

[ovrrnbw]

Bo,

I'm just trying to get caught up on things. Your situation is flying 100 mph right now. So I'll pick off the big points.

In her mind, the kids would stay at our current place of residence, and then we rent an efficiency and basically trade off according to the schedule. Certain nights one is with the kids, the other is alone back at the other place. She handed me a paper copy and will email me a copy. I know I know—how long has that been in the works? She wants my input on this, and then we get the ball rolling on finding the other place (especially once Ms. Federal Employee starts drawing a paycheck again because of the shutdown), and then she will basically sue for divorce in time. She wants to keep the lawyers out of it as much as possible—so to do as much before hand before the official paperwork gets drawn up. She also wants me to cooperate and not draw this out.

Agree to this if you want to feel like garbage and serve up cake every day.

I tried validating as much as I could, and I also tried to put things off by saying ‘let me think about that.’ She called me out on my ‘therapy talk’ at one point. Lovely.

Don't take $h!+ from anyone. I'd have told to shove her attitude straight where the sun doesn't shine. She's throwing a lot at you, it is going to take time to figure it out.

but I’d also effectively BE GIVING HER FREE CHILD CARE.

At that point, who cares what she's doing? You'd be done. Only bitter, mean people still worry about their exes like that. My dad does it, it's super annoying and petty. Anyways, you're out there worrying about things that haven't happened.

You're angry, bitter, and over analyzing lots. When you go to mass, try not to relate everything to your marriage or W. I had that problem too and it keeps you from focusing on mass.

You contradict yourself as well. You say the silence is awkward, but then when she makes small talk that you "aren't having it". So you are confusing her. Why? B/c you're emotional. You need to give up on what you can't control, and realize that you can't control it - therefore why get worked up over it. It's like driving in traffic. There's lots of annoying people doing annoying things and yelling and getting mad at them only makes your drive worse. So stop getting mad at them and just expect them to do these things.

If you're still in thee house, maybe you can help your W or be a little more friendly.

“I really did not appreciate you not texting me back about getting the boys. I also really don’t like the non-answers, or dancing around questions or evading answers. When I ask you a question, I want a direct answer.”

She then tells me that it’s always been that way with me, that things don’t register with me or I don’t get it, and that it makes her so upset.

Me, attempting to validate: I can see that it makes you really upset.

W then accuses me doing it to get back at her, and told me that no matter where our paths lead in life, we will need to work together.

If you're W thinks you are a bad communicator, and most guys are, then pull a 180 there. Seriously. I think I know what she is talking about. Drill this into your head. Your next R, whether with your W or someone else, will be greatly served if you make these improvements.

Every girl I ever dated taught me something about being a better person to R with, whether it was sexually, emotionally, or mentally. It's on you to learn from them. And get better at validating. It needs to sound more natural.

As for getting a lawyer, she hasn't filed so you don't need one yet. But go ahead and consult several and see what they say. A lot of initial consultations are free.

You need to get out a couple nights a week to the bar or join a league or something. If you want to save yourself and your marriage your W needs to see and feel you actually moving on with your life. Quit worrying about her all the time and make yourself happy, stop being bitter, and treat her with respect. GAL, quit worrying that you don't have control over her. This is the summary of everything you posted. Almost every problem you've wrote about here can be solved by this. And if you have the book, read the LRT section.